It sucks to be a man. Women make them shop for undies and smell candles, and their bosses make them sit in boring meetings and do all kinds of stuff they hate. Given the chance, a man would trade his wife for a good set of tires so he can drive over the speed limit to somewhere that has snacks and beer. In fact, in the face of doom, the only thing that can save the world is beer. And animals love cars as much as men do. And women love babies, Paris, and book clubs. And men hate being around women -- unless those women have beer. And Hollywood only produces remakes or movies based on videogames. Men love videogames, especially if they are violent.

This is the overarching narrative of Sunday's Super Bowl ads. If you believe that the people shelling out millions for these spots have done their research and targeted the audience well, this is the country we live in: Men feel castrated by modern society and are on their way to fatal obesity and a 12-step program -- alone in a speeding car.

After the jump is a breakdown of the ads that aired during the Super Bowl, which attracted an estimated 106.5 million people. That makes it the most watched television in history. Sorry "M*A*S*H." Football is the new king.

Leave it to morning talk shows to devise ways to make the Super Bowl something less than the Peytonmannian orgy of gooey cheese and sudsy beer that it is meant to be. Here are a few "expert" suggestions for people who know nothing about football, nor the guzzling, chomping, fist-pumping culture that has sprung up around this made-for-commercials sport. (Really: Did you know the average football game only has about 11 minutes of action?) More after the jump. 

Last night's episode of "Better Off Ted" was, when you break it down to its component parts, three kind of dull storylines, yet somehow the whole was still charming and enjoyable. I assume Veridian Dynamics has developed some kind of TV-based mind-control radiation? Anyway, the full recap is after the jump.

Things aren't always as they seem on "The Amazing Race," but then again, they usually are. So last night, when the teams were forced to participate in a glorified word jumble, we knew the jocks were in trouble. Still, it's hard to imagine a fourth grade-level spelling game taking all night to complete. And who knew that proficiency in paperwork was a prerequisite for doing well on a reality show? Let's talk about it after the jump.

"Saturday Night Live" is following in the footsteps of "Family Guy" by turning itself over to a single advertiser. Anheuser-Busch won't have to share "SNL" ad space with anyone else October 17 when it launches Bud Light Golden Wheat. As the clip above illustrates, this is not "SNL's" first attempt at selling beer. More after the jump.

There is something about the drum that speaks to the origin of our culture. The first music may have been a stick beating a log, mimicking the pounding of a human heart. What I am really trying to say is: drink more beer.

Once you have enough empty bottles you can fashion a nifty drum kit like the guy in the video above, who rocks the theme song for "Inspector Gadget." But if you don't like beer, you have options. You could play coffee cups, like this guy. Or you could even play human heads or a table or a kitchen shelf. Don't have any of those? You can even play the air. See how all those are done after the jump.

Football season is upon us, dear friends, and no football season is complete without tailgating, recruiting scandals, and hats that allow you to drink two beers at once without using your hands.

Don't have one? Then you are not a true football fan. Or maybe you just can't afford a beer hat because the evil Beer Cartel is jacking up prices. Problem solved: make your own, with the help of this Howcast video. Eight easy steps!

Yes, beer is delicious. But it is also big business -- so big, in fact, that some think it might be time for President Obama to bust Big Beer for antitrust violations.

ABC News reports that Anheuser-Busch InBev and MillerCoors "are raising prices at the same time, during a recession, and while beer demand is slumping. With an 80 percent market share between them, it almost begs for an antitrust review of the industry."

ABC also reports that from "1947 to 1995, the number of beer companies fell by more than 90 percent." But we should have seen this coming. Not long after President Eisenhower's warning about the military-industrial complex, the U.S. Supreme Court warned the world about an equally grave threat: the beer-industrial complex.

"If not stopped," the justices wrote in an opinion that crippled the Pabst-Blatz beer cartel in 1966, "this decline in the number of separate competitors and this rise in the share of the market controlled by the larger beer manufacturers are bound to lead to greater and greater concentration of the beer industry into fewer and fewer hands."

This hellish prediction has come true. But we have hope in Obama. Just watch the video above. The man loves beer, and he loves to tell big business what to do. Meanwhile, there are a bunch of videos on how to handle and care for your overpriced beer after the jump. (You can even learn how to crush a beer can with your skull. Always handy.)

I used to think the hardest part of college was getting in, but thanks to this clip from "The Early Show," now I know I was wrong. The hardest part is decorating the lightless and dirty-carpeted dorm room the school assigns to you.

It takes a lot more than color, pictures of friends, and some storage bins to make your school-issued dungeon into a palace. And though it's a valiant attempt, the "Early Show's" makeover misses a few key points. Like those stylish curtains: They're a good idea, but rooms usually have ugly, permanent ones already glued up. And all that cute extra furniture (like that cheap "laptop" table and those foot rests) are pointless because some drunk kid will destroy them during your first floor party.

Finally, "The Early Show" is dead wrong if its producers think those decorations will endure four years of college. I'd like to show them what one cup of warm, skunked beer would do to those cardboard storage boxes.

Rachel Maddow went on "The Tonight Show" last night, where the first topic of conversation was President Obama's "beer summit" this afternoon with Henry Louis Gates Jr. and James Crowley. Today, at 6:00 PM outside the Oval Office (just check the official White House schedule for confirmation!), the three men will attempt to quench America's thirst for racial comity with a couple of cold ones.

And yet this gesture has unwittingly worsened tensions within the powder keg that is the highly nationalistic beer industry. As the Wall Street Journal points out, all three men will be drinking non-American beers: a Bud Light (Belgian-Brazilian) for Obama, a Red Stripe (British) for Gates, and a Blue Moon (part British) for Crowley. American brewers are ready to riot like its 1991.

If you think the whole thing seems like a very stilted and awkward way to have a drink, just thank God they didn't invite Hillary!