Last night, "60 Minutes" did a story on youth football programs in American Samoa, which included the clip above. In it, a bunch of fearsome teenagers perform a haka, a traditional Māori posturing dance meant to intimidate enemies on the battlefield. You're probably familiar with the New Zealand All Blacks' versions before rugby matches; if you aren't, check out their version before a match with Tonga in 2003, below. Tonga matches the Blacks' with a dance of their own, dueling banjos style. it's pretty cool:

So while dancing is a legitimate form of intimidation in the South Pacific, here in America, it's, well, mockable. There is one notable exception, however. Let's take a look at it, after the jump.

Today is Andrew Aitken Rooney's 91st birthday, but the real celebration won't start until tomorrow. Tomorrow, of course, he'll exchange all the gifts he received for some things he'll actually use. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. On that note, we've I've certainly had my share of fun with the old codger in this forum, but birthdays are special times, and should be commemorated with good Will, not bad Will. (Get it? My name's Will.)

So here's a heartfelt happy birthday to you, Andy Rooney. May your 92nd year be as fruitful and happy as your 91st. Your three minutes are the highlight of "60 Minutes" every week (proof above). And thank you, sincerely, for always giving me something to make fun of every Monday. I owe you a juice box.

Why is Andy Rooney so grumpy and confused all the time? Well, in 1971, he went to bed and stumbled upon a wrinkle in the space-time continuum. Rooney then awoke in the deathscape of 2009, and helplessly roamed the barren streets of midtown Manhattan trying to make sense of it all. The poor guy has been through a lot, and we should go easy on him as he acclimates to our hellish reality.

None of that is true, of course, but if there wasn't 30 years of "60 Minutes" tape that proved otherwise, that would be the only logical explanation for his views on electronics.

Andy trots out eight -- yes, eight -- decrepit electric razors, and explains that he just doesn't have the heart to throw them out. No, you're not watching "Hoarders," but then again, you kind of are; it's clear that this is a man with a different set of values than modern society's. His black and white television is clearly not "too good for the dump," as he claims, but when he bought it, it was probably top of the line. So rather than throw it away, he throws it into his basement, with his other electronic relics of a time when he understood what the heck was going on.

For the past three days, I've been in what I call "Retail Hell." Yes, I've done this to myself, and I'm an unabashed procrastinator, but that doesn't make it any easier to stand in line at Barnes & Noble for 20 minutes behind the parent who just wants to know if the "Twilight" books are in the "Young Adult" or "Fantasy" section. Ma'am, the six-foot high display in the front of the store? With the giant Edward Pattinson cutout? That you almost tripped over? They call that the "You Must Be Joking" section, and that's where they are. (Yes, that's a true story from my weekend.)

I realize this makes me sound 90 years old, and that it's unfair to expect shoppers to be rational, thoughtful, and intelligent during the holiday rush. But that doesn't stop me from feeling a bit like Andy Rooney, who coincidentally took up the issue of shopping in his "60 Minutes" segment this week. Sure, I don't agree completely -- I don't peer into shops and leer like a weirdo at the poor salespeople, for example -- but still, in this instance, Andy speaks for me! Check out the clip, above...I'm off to go drown my sorrows as I come to terms with being 23 going on 90.

Andy Rooney sat at his "60 Minutes" desk the other day, and addressed the issue of wealth in America. Or, that is to say, he addressed the question of how wealth in America affects him, a well-to-do television personality in his early nineties. And, guess what, everyone: Andy Rooney doesn't like being rich! It makes him uncomfortable. Not as uncomfortable as buying fruit at the supermarket does, but uncomfortable nonetheless. But that doesn't mean he doesn't like reading about rich people!

Rooney likes the annual "Forbes 400" list, even if he doesn't know who Larry Ellison -- the Oracle founder worth $27 billion -- is. Of course, it's hard to understand who Ellison is unless you know what Oracle makes, and Rooney's not exactly the most computer-savvy geezer in the book club. But that's not the point: Rooney remembers the days of the Rockefellers and more recently Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, whose heirs are now the 4th-7th richest people in America. "They'd have to combine their wealth to be number one," whines Rooney, who's clearly still good with an abacus.

It's an interesting rant, but a confusing one: Is Rooney complaining about getting old and not recognizing who the richest people are? Or is he lamenting being rich, and feeling uncomfortable that others are poor? Or both? In any event, someone should explain the concept of charitable giving to Andy before it's too late. I'd love to see Andy -- in Bono shades -- hawking the Product (RED) campaign.

If the recent stories about this year's Golden Globes host have piqued your curiosity, "60 Minutes" has anticipated your needs: last night, the show aired an in-depth segment with Ricky Gervais, which should both give a good general overview to laypersons and entertain his die-hard fans. Above, you can see the profile as it appeared last night; after the jump, some web-exclusive outtakes.

There's this thing you may have heard of called the Interwebs. Like every great invention, it can be used for good, but in the wrong hands: PURE EVIL. That could mean hijacking someone's Twitter page or posting a picture on Facebook of a friend doing not awesome things at a keg party or, oh, I don't know...reprogramming nuclear weapons and destroying the power grid of the United States! Could happen, according to the "60 Minutes" clip above.

That's why the creator of the "CSI" franchise, Anthony Zuiker, hopes to put an end to all cyber crime (or at least exploit it) with his latest show, boringly titled "Cyber Crimes." More after the jump.

In the introduction of this Thanksgiving-themed "60 Minutes" rant, from last night's episode, Andy Rooney throws us off the scent of what you'd think his "angle" on the holiday might be. He starts in by saying he likes Thanksgiving. WHAT THE DOUBLE TAKE?

Thank goodness, Rooney soon lapses into what we expect from him: a monologue variation of his trademark "I don't like stuff" shtick, punctuated by a lot of "bah"s and "bother"s and other things only he and Winnie the Pooh say. In this installation, he mostly just wants us to know what he considers unacceptable when preparing a Thanksgiving meal.

"No mixes, no frozen food, nothing canned," he admonishes, oddly confident in his repetitive assertions about what the pilgrims did to celebrate the first Thanksgiving, back when he was a strapping lad of 32. "There were no A&P's in Plymouth in 1861," Rooney reminds us, remembering that one awful night he had, lashing his horse-drawn buggy in search for a 24-hour Stop & Shop. Let it be said we can all learn from our mistakes!

"Make bread or buy good bread, let it get stale and use that to make the stuffing," Rooney commands, being sort of a bossy jerk. "I use canned chicken soup instead of water in the gravy, but you don't have to do that," he adds, contradicting his own "nothing canned" rule, and allowing for some flexibility on the part of the viewer, which is unheard of, and frankly upsetting.

Finally, Rooney recommends making ice cream from scratch, and shows a vintage clip of a slightly younger version of himself, tasting the crank of an ice cream maker. He calls it "ice-CREAM," like they used to in the 1930's, when room-temperature cream was still a coveted dessert. His recommendation to churn your own ice cream is another hypocritical anachronism from a man who's different from the version of himself in the clip only in that his naso-labial folds have deepened to the point where he looks like a Jeff Dunham ventriloquist dummy. The rest is the same as it ever was: Classic Rooney.

Just over three weeks until "Avatar" premieres, and the stakes are about as high as they can get for a film release. There's been a lot of talk surrounding the total cost of James Cameron's latest; regardless of what the exact number is, "Avatar" will need to be one of the most successful films of all time in order to turn a profit. It's a project that has come with a decade of hype, as industry insiders (and Cameron himself) have anointed "Avatar" the film that will revolutionize the way we watch movies. Yes, 3D is a natural progression of the more event-style movies that Hollywood is increasingly bent on, but I think the jury is still out on how much and how consistently regular audiences will embrace 3D. Regardless, "Avatar" is promising a level of 3D never before seen. It is the future before it's the present; James Cameron has been in these waters before, but "Avatar" is shaping up to be a colossal flop as a non-family-friendly, hard sci-fi film that hasn't knocked anyone out with its teaser footage. And all of this is coming at a time when Hollywood is feeling its way out of tailspin, increasingly focused on making franchise projects that are based on "pre-existing properties." So, an original film that employs "groundbreaking" technology with a budget north of $500 million...lots to sift through in the wake of this one.

A few interesting things to note from the above "60 Minutes" interview with Cameron: We do get a longer look at the Na'vi and the creatures of Pandora -- nothing that kicks "Avatar" up another notch, but the CGI character motion is pretty impressive. Morley Safer goes a good bit easier on Cameron than the recent article in The New Yorker did, but the dude is clearly a megalomaniac, and sort of sees his own militant persona as "part of the job." It's not entirely clear when the behind-the-scenes footage was shot (including some new green screen stuff with the cast), but they make it seem like it was in the past couple of weeks, and that Cameron is still tweaking the post. Talk about taking it down to the wire! Cameron seems unfazed through it all, believing that he's motivating the next level in media consumption, convinced that everything is headed in a 3D direction, including news coverage and professional sports. "Avatar" is a revolution; but is it any good?

Spike Lee has taken some shots at Tyler Perry's films, saying that they are "coonery and buffoonery," and "we have a black president, and we're going back." Last night on "60 Minutes," Perry rebuffed Lee's claims, saying that he was "p*ssed off" by the comments, and that he's like to read those comments to "his fan base." Now, obviously, I'm not the best one to vet these statements, despite seeing "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" on Big Movie day a few weeks back. But, if what Lee means is that Perry makes stereotype-filled films that tell heavy-handed stories, I think I'm on Team Spike in this fight. Hit "continue reading" to see the entire Perry segment from last night's "60 Minutes."