Look, I'm no political wingnut; I'm the last person who you'll find on the news, holding up a picket sign in the rain and telling reporters about God's definition of marriage. That said, I feel pretty strongly about puppies getting married, and how they shouldn't be allowed to do it.

However: the activist judges-née-programming directors at the WE Network have different notions about what puppies should and shouldn't do, as evidenced by their new show, "Puppy Weddings." The tagline of the show betrays the producers' monomaniacal intentions: "We love weddings AND puppies, so we've decided to marry the two!" Do you guys even realize how much wedding culture is in that sentence? WE programmers are not content to commit to merely the idea of young dogs committing to one another for the rest of their lives: they also insist on marrying the concept of puppies and marriage itself! The hound-acity!

For the record, I have no problem with the idea of dogs getting married. Dogs are adult animals who can make decisions with the presence of mind you don't find in, say, a young pug mix who's still chewing on frozen washcloths to numb his teething pains -- or a basset hound pup who still trips on his own ears. (OMG, can you imagine the cuteness?) But to encourage marrying off puppies on a celebratory, entertaining TV show is just the latest cultural example of unnatural dog-related acts that includes but is not limited to the above clip featuring a Labrador-headed "human-dog hybrid" with hands instead of paws, finishing its lunch.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking. "What is this show actually about?" It's a good question, and not at all a stupid one. The show "Puppy Weddings" mostly documents the process of two puppies preparing for, and then going through with, a wedding to one another. This episode stars Magoo and Catherine, who met at a Puppy Day Spa; a thing that exists. Sasha and Luigi, two Shih Tzus, bonded over "their mutual love of food" plus, probably, their lack of cultural differences, and eventually decided to tie the knot. And Nardo and Lucy, who "met at the office," had to overcome sexual harassment guidelines when their relationship moved beyond casual sniffing: Lucy eventually left work before things got out of hand. Also: this is not something I made up! That thing about Lucy leaving work once they began a relationship is something I took directly from the voiceover of that particular episode, and it is not at all me making a joke or writing dog fan fiction, as I am WONT TO DO.

So, please enjoy "Puppy Weddings" if you are a fan of watching underage dogs engage in hetero-normative monogamy in the way this country intended: on television.

The world has changed and -- as every grumpy old man rocking on a porch would tell you -- not for the better. See, there was a time when nailing a half-court shot meant something. It gave people something to believe in, kept their dreams afloat, fixed the economy, and fed all the hungry children. Not anymore.

The reporter in the video above is covering the story of a teacher who hit a blindfolded half-court shot. Yes, that's news. And in Gonzo style, the reporter thus inserts himself into the story by one-upping the teacher. But the best part of the video isn't that he destroys a back-to-the-basket half-court shot -- really, at this point, who cares? It's the look on his face. What is up, man?! It's part dumbfounded Double You Tee Eff, part shaman mysticism. Way more interesting than his shot or the teacher's. More ranting after the jump.

Okay, okay, I know, this video announcing the engagement of Erin and Jeff is hilarious...and also, maybe about three minutes minutes too long. But then again, maybe it isn't! Here's why.

First off, Erin and Jeff have a story or 12 up their sleeves. They're a biracial couple from Sydney, Australia, and the dude is about a foot shorter than the girl. (I can't quite tell if he's a "little person" -- not that that should matter, of course.) Anyway, these facts alone would probably get them a book deal.

Secondly, they've been dating for ten years. That's a lot of material for an engagement video; it makes sense that they feel entitled to take four minutes of your day.

Third, if we actually knew them, we'd probably wish we could see another thirty minutes of this. I'll never meet them in my life, and I kind of do anyway.

And finally, I expect big things from this wedding. Come October 10, I expect to see some footage, guys. Oh, and here's a tip: don't double-book your appearances with NBC and ABC this Sunday, no matter how much you want to share your love with the world.

One thing's for sure: 2009 took the normal ways we propose to and marry each other and gave them all hits of acid. The whole "romantic dinner by candlelight and delivery of two dozen roses" shtick has been tossed out the window: gents, now you've got to ask for your lady's hand in marriage in one of three ways: on live television, through a commercial, or as she's delivering the weather report like police Sgt. Marty Cunningham did, as you can see after the jump. (Note: ball games are a definite no-go now, as seen above.) Whichever route you manly men choose to take is fine, but make sure you either tweet about it at the altar or walk down the aisle to your favorite R&B hit... because otherwise, it won't count and the government won't give you a tax break.

Good parents help their children when they need help. When the doctor hands a newborn to his excited parents, the receipt of their baby conveys their understanding that it's their job to protect him until he reaches adulthood. Isn't that the idea? If a car falls on top of him, his parents are supposed to use their Superman adrenaline to lift the car off, right? They signed up to do that kind of thing, so when the situation arises, it's their duty to act appropriately and, you know, help.

Well apparently, there are a few parents out there who shelf their parental rescuing responsibilities in favor of making a good home video. Consider this one from Break.com, above. A boy crawls behind the couch because he's a boy and that's what boys do. His mother probably told him a thousand times not to go behind the couch because his tubby little self would get stuck. But oh, look. Tubby crawled back there anyway, because he wanted to retrieve a long-lost police car and ambulance. So in light of his misbehavior, the mother grabs her camcorder and decides to teach her little sucker a lesson by suggesting he's never going to get freed. It's hilarious, and quite honestly, exactly what I'll do if I have kids.

Break.com, quality purveyor of wacky viral videos, is usually pretty straightforward when it comes to describing the content of their clips. "Dude Passes Out During Interview," "Failed Backflip Faceplant Off Trampoline," and "Big Lady Gracefully Catches Bouquet" are all pretty gangbusters descriptions for videos that show precisely those things and nothing more or less. But I'm afraid that, today, Break.com tarnished its otherwise pristine record in naming the above clip "Lazy Freaking Cat."

If you're like me, and you've watched this clip no fewer than eight times over a bowl of cereal, you'll notice that the plot of the video, for lack of a better word, is that a cat rolls down a staircase in a bizarre, "horny Slinky"-like way. In the process, he makes sure to rub his head and other parts of his body on the sections of the steps closest to the banister. Does he walk down the stairs like people? No. But. Does he slither and squirm until he gets to the bottom? Only as a cat would!

In my expert opinion, this cat is far from lazy, let alone "freaking lazy." Lazy cats don't make it down staircases, weirdly or otherwise. They camp out on your chair and then they get hair in places you had no idea they even had access to, right "Cathy" cartoon reading this?

This cat is just sort of a spaz. And maybe high on catnip or marking his territory, or maybe he likes the way carpet feels on its temples. Can you blame him?

Take note, Break.com. And please title all future cat clips accordingly. Until then, keep up the great work.

Have you ever wondered where your local news station gets those silent shots of bad actors doing banal things? Wonder no more! The origin of such footage -- or, as they call it in the biz, B ROLL -- is outlined in the clip above. And if the enthusiastic host looks familiar to you, click "continue reading" to find out where you might have seen him before.

The sleeping dog in the video above is the embodiment of 2009. Watch his legs pump faster and faster even though he's not getting anywhere. (Familiar feeling.) Is the dog dreaming about chasing a car tire? Or a rabbit? Or Johnny Depp? Could be. But it might be more sinister than that. When its head bolts up, it snaps backwards, like something is on its tail -- like it is being chased. And even when it is on its feet and awake, it is so delirious with fear that it keeps running and slams its head into a wall. Ouch. And, "Heh."

Thank goodness for pop culture. Otherwise, there would have been no way to survive the worst and final year of The Aughts, the decade that brought us endless war, global financial collapse, the end of those pesky polar ice caps, the death of Michael Jackson, and "Two and a Half Men." Maybe it was all just a bad dream, like the dog was having. Or not. But look -- and this is important -- not everything sucked during the past year. It just seems that way. Click "continue reading."

Madison, Wisconsin is currently in the middle of a big controversy (and it's even bigger than trying to find the snowplow driver who caused the "Wisconsin Snowmen Massacre," above). The source of the hullabaloo comes from a rap video entitled "What's a Coastie," made by University of Wisconsin-Madison students Cliff Grefe and Quincy Harrison. The video claims to explain the term, which refers to East Coast or West Coast students who bravely attend college in the Midwest, in the name of new experiences. You can see it, along with a personal revelation, after the jump.

As 2009 draws to a close, I've been doing some serious reflection on what I'll remember most fondly from my past twelve months of pop-culture consumption. To be sure, some of my final selections may seem played out at this particular point in time (witness Kevin and Jill's wedding video, AGAIN, above; I will never get tired of it, but you might); however, I'm trying to think long-term. In other words, these are the things you'll see in five years (or six months) and sigh fondly, "That's so 2009." For my full list, hit "continue reading."