It sucks to be a man. Women make them shop for undies and smell candles, and their bosses make them sit in boring meetings and do all kinds of stuff they hate. Given the chance, a man would trade his wife for a good set of tires so he can drive over the speed limit to somewhere that has snacks and beer. In fact, in the face of doom, the only thing that can save the world is beer. And animals love cars as much as men do. And women love babies, Paris, and book clubs. And men hate being around women -- unless those women have beer. And Hollywood only produces remakes or movies based on videogames. Men love videogames, especially if they are violent.

This is the overarching narrative of Sunday's Super Bowl ads. If you believe that the people shelling out millions for these spots have done their research and targeted the audience well, this is the country we live in: Men feel castrated by modern society and are on their way to fatal obesity and a 12-step program -- alone in a speeding car.

Here's a breakdown of the ads that aired during the Super Bowl, which attracted an estimated 106.5 million people. That makes it the most watched television in history. Sorry "M*A*S*H." Football is the new king.

 

Google: Search On

You can use Google to impregnate French women.

 

Chrysler Dodge Charger: Man's Last Stand

Not even a Dodge Charger is enough compensation for the nightmare of an existence this guy lives.

 

Intel: Lunchroom Boast

Robots have feelings, too.

 

Motorola: Megan Fox Photo

I'm just going to say it: she's not that hot.

 

Dockers: Men Without Pants

Men don't wear the pants in the family anymore. Get it? Time to be a man again -- by wearing khakis.

 

Hyundai: Ten Years

Hyundai is the Brett Favre of cars? Let's hope not, or the cops will intercept you speeding every time. Props to Favre, though. His timing in this commercial is great.

 

GoDaddy: News

The whole set of GoDaddy ads relied on a lame sexual message that was unimaginative and trite. Nothing against using sex to sell stuff, but this almost implies you could go to the site and watch porn if the game got too boring.

 

Acura: Exclamation

Women love looking at cars, so the only way a man can get a woman to look at him is if he has a nice ride. But once he gets a woman, his life will suck. He will need to drive fast in his car to escape it all. Oh, cars -- the source and the solution for every problem a man has.

 

kgb: Sumo

I'm trying to think of a trivia question I would pay a buck to have answered via text...Oh, here it is: "What trivia answer is worth 99 cents?"

 

Bridgestone: Your Tires or Your Life

A play on a tired sexist joke that was maybe funny once. (See what I did there? "Tired"? That's my beaten-to-death knee-slapper.)

 

Coco-Cola: Sleepwalker

Sleepwalking is dangerous. Some people eat raw chicken in their sleep and die. But this guy is lucky. He's just needs a beverage full of corn syrup.

 

U.S. Census

There are 300 million people in America. Snore.

 

Kia: Big Game

Apparently, a Sorento is the perfect car for rubber toys, robots, and stuffed animals.

 

Monster.com: Beaver

A beaver can get a good job in this economy, but you can't. You suck at life.

 

Cars.com: Timothy Richman

Even the smartest man in the world is too stupid to buy a car. It's real easy, dude. Just buy one that women like, then hit the gas and get as far away from them as possible.

 

Doritos: House Rules

Kind of awesome seeing a kid slap a horny jerk. Violence isn't always bad.

 

Doritos: Underdog

More violence. Still funny. See, it's hilariously okay to abuse men.

 

Doritos: Casket

Men will work hard to be lazy!

 

NFL: Best Fans on the Planet

Football is much more interesting in slow motion.

 

Budweiser: Bridge

Welcome to the town with the most ingenious alcoholics in America.

 

Bud Light: Voice Box

Jay-Z said so a long time ago, but now Autotune is officially dead.

 

Bridgestone: Whale of a Tale

Guys do crazy stuff at bachelor parties. Someone should make a movie about that.

 

Audi: Green Car

A whole new set of cops to hate in some post-environmentalist police state. Who would want to live in this world, even with an Audi?

 

Bud Light: Book Club

Men will do anything for beer because it's so hard to find anywhere except at a woman's book club. WHY IS ALL THE BUD LIGHT IN THE WORLD AT WOMEN'S BOOK CLUBS?!

 

Dr. Love: A Little Kiss

Dwarf Kiss is awesome. Better than the real Kiss.

 

FloTV: Driven Crazy

Dumb.

 

Unilever Dove

Yes, being a man sucks, but when you are finally old enough, and beaten into submission by the world, you can finally use a woman's soap and not feel bad about it.

 

Teleflora’s Talking Flowers: Mr. Warmth

Talking flowers sounds awesome at first, but really it's always a little shop of horrors.

 

Doritos: Snack Attack Samurai

Doritos during a workout at the gym sounds awesome. Maybe wash it down with some Cookie Dough Sport and a Snickers. 

 

Mars Snickers: You're Not You When You're Hungry

The Colts should have eaten Snickers bars at halftime. And I'm sure they eat Doritos in the gym. All good stuff for pro athletes.

 

GoDaddy: Spa

Women love ripping their clothes off. Watch porn (maybe) on GoDaddy.com.

 

Bud Light: Asteroid

Sorry, but if the last thing you drink before you die is light beer, then you didn't really live.

 

Hyundai: Paint

If you can't afford a Mercedes, try to impress people with the paint job on your Hyundai.

 

Taco Bell: It Rocks, It Rocks

Autotune just died, and now Charles Barkley killed hip-hop all together. This was one of the worst commercials of the day, maybe one of the worst Super Bowl history. No, definitely one of the worst.

 

FloTV: Injury Report

Women own men! Do you understand this yet? Your girlfriend removed your spine and you have to shop for underwear with her. You deserve to watch sports whenever and wherever you like, you spineless unich.

 

FloTV: Moments

If you didn't see it on TV, it didn't really happen.

 

Bud Light: Light House

This commercial had to have been inspired the Beer Can House in Houston. A hero for the ages.

 

Denny's

Chickens scream like women, and they scream a lot because Denny's sells eggs. Boring and unoriginal, but the screams are a little bit funny.

 

Boost Mobile: Shuffle

Thanks for making me feel old.

 

GoDaddy: Lola

Warning: Web content unrated. Why is GoDaddy such a perv?

 

Volkswagen: PunchDub

Since VW doesn't make Bugs any more, it is attempting to reinvent the game as PunchDub. Hey, more violence never hurt anyone.

 

MetroPCS: The Shaming

They should have cast Mooj from "The 40-Year-Old Virgin."

 

Budweiser: Clydesdale/Fence

Screw you, Robert Frost.  

 

Honda Accord: Squirrel

A car for hoarders.

 

TruTV With Troy "Punxsutawney" Polamalu

Little Kiss and now Little Troy. Sort of creepy.

 

Bud Light: Stranded

The commercial makes an important statement: If you are stranded on a tropical island paradise with a bunch of hot women and beer, you really don't need to feel lost or try to get off the island. Life is good.

 

Careerbuilder.com: Casual Friday

A commercial for all the men who are finally crotchety enough to hate everything good.

 

Hyundai: Body Pass

Driving a Hyundai is like being at a rock concert! Not really.

 

HomeAway’s "Hotel Hell Vacation" Trailer (Featuring the Griswolds!)

Beverly D'Angelo is still hot, but Chevy Chase -- whoa, man! He has not aged well. I'm thinking Christie Brinkley is not going skinny dipping with him again any time soon. 

 

Focus on the Family: Tim Tebow

Kids are awesome. They all grow up to be All-American proselytizing football players. A very tame ad for all the controversy surrounding it, but wasn't that the point? The controversy more than paid for the ad.

 

Emerald Nuts and Pop Secret: Awesomer

People will do anything for delicious snacks.

 

Dante's Inferno: Go to Hell

This will be a movie soon.

 

Select 55: Ice Bottle

What a pretty bottle, especially all covered in ice. Tastes like pig sweat but won't make you fat.

 

Michelob Ultra: Little Bumps

Drink this healthy beer and you will win the Tour de France.

 

Coca-Cola: Hard Times

The unfunniest "Simpsons" bit ever? Corn syrup = happiness.

 

Vizio: Forge

Internet on the TV. Sounds like a great idea (that has failed a million times before).

 

E*Trade: Girlfriend and Birthday

Talking babies are so cute. They should make a movie or three about this, too. 

 

Carmax: Prairie Dog/Cockatiel and Monkey/Dog

Madison Avenue is about as creative as Hollywood these days. This is just another ripoff idea, and nowhere near as funny as the original.

 

Skechers: Joe Montana Shape-Ups

The greatest quarterback of all time wasn't in shape until he wore these (but didn't bother to appear in the ad). Peyton Manning should buy a pair.

 

Papa John's: Delivery

Papa has had plenty of plastic surgery.

 

Late Show with David Letterman

Wow, how did this happen? Wish it was funnier, but Jay Leno was in it, so...

 

Movie Trailers

They all looked like crap except for "