Still trying to find the true spirit of Christmas? Here's a gift that embodies it: a piece of metal that Charles Dickens used to pluck bits of popcorn and stringy meat from his choppers. Yes, this very toothpick probed the saliva-slicked gum line of the man who wrote "A Christmas Carol." What better way to celebrate Christmas past, present, and future than by dropping a few grand on this baby?

Sure, it's not Michael Jackson's glove, but it's the thought that counts. And besides, anything a celebrity puts in his our her mouth is worth cash money. Corey Haim sold a tooth; Britney Spears's gum was up for auction, as was a cough drop that was allegedly spit out of Arnold Schwarzenegger's pie hole. Even a piece of French toast that Justin Timberlake took a bite out of was worth big money.

And this toothpick is way better than all of that combined. The man wrote "Oliver Twist," for crying out loud! That story has survived for almost 200 years. Nobody even hums this ditty by Timberlake anymore:

...Actually, that is still pretty catchy. I'm humming and bobbing my head. But nobody brought sexy back like Dickens brought sexy back in the 1800s. Have you ever read "David Copperfield"? HAVE YOU?! So sexy.

And let's give some dap for the fact that we're talking about a toothpick, one of the oldest tools in the history of everything. It even predates modern humans. (You didn't know that, did you?) Even though dentists discourage using toothpicks these days because of toothbrushes and dental floss, the toothpick has a long and noble history.

Here's how they are made in modern times. Start by killing trees as quickly as possible:

Then do this:

But since people are not supposed to stick them in their mouths anymore, they've found other important uses. Like sticking them in beards:

And scamming beers off suckers at bars:

And blinding children:

Actually, you can't do any of that stuff with Dickens's toothpick. It's retractable and is made from ivory (dead elephants) and gold (dead miners). It's awesome. God bless us every one!