As I puttered around my kitchen this morning, sniffing the milk and hoping I had clean socks to wear, I caught one of those "Money 911" segments on "Today," where people ask fake questions about their mortgages. It's one of those parts of the show that makes you sleepy again, so I turned the channel to "The Kelly Ripa and Whoever is Sitting in for Regis While he Gets One of his Ancient Hips Replaced Show," which instantly drove me to the brink of madness. I ended up turning off the TV and headed to work, where Tara told me that, after I changed the channel, Meredith "Meredith Baxter-Birney" Baxter sat down with Matt Lauer so that she could tell him she is a lesbian. And then, I lost my mind.

How could I have missed the most important scoop of the year (displacing the moment Luann de Lesseps publicly admonished the White House Party Crashers for displaying "incredibly bad manners")? If you also missed it: catch up!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news , world news , and news about the economy

Meredith Baxter, Keaton matriarch (as you can see above), thin-lipped blonde bombshell, and Lifetime Movie Star, is out of the closet after having married three different men and mothering three children, and has been dating Nancy Locke (a woman who's been out for all of her adult life) for four years.

"Nancy is a general contractor, so she has, you know, a truck," said the one-time Elyse Keaton, with a face straighter than straight people like Michael Gross, who is by the way totally straight. It's true! The only beard in his life is the one he used to have on his famous face.

So, will Lifetime get their crap together and hire Baxter to star in a movie based on her own life? Is Florence Henderson going to throw a brick through Matt Lauer's car window, since he called Baxter "America's Mom?" Will Nancy Locke help Meredith Baxter to rip out the light fixtures in her living room in time for the painter to come? And will I spend the rest of my day watching this clip of Baxter-Birney in the eating disorder-themed Lifetime Movie, "Kate's Secret," in which she eats an entire cake?

None of these questions have answers, except the last one, which is rhetorical.