Last night's series finale of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" was depressing in as many different ways as there are Gosselin children whose lives will be negatively affected by the public crumbling of their parents' marriage. That's right, it made me sad in eight different ways. At least!

1. First of all, Kate tucked fifty percent of her trademark asymmetrical bob behind her ear for this episode, so it was like she had a normal haircut. That bummed me out.

2. Kate kept talking about how the show ended "too soon," which is not the way you use that expression. "Too soon" is a phrase we use when somebody makes a joke about a terrible disaster they really shouldn't ever joke about, like when your co-workers drag you to go see "Twilight: New Moon" and once it ends, two hours and ten minutes later, somebody's like, "Hey, let's go see that again!" 

3. Those kids really are so cute. They didn't ask to be on this show, and they didn't ask for their parents both to sort of be the worst in different ways. Watching those little ragtag cookie casseroles (I don't generally refer to children with terms of endearment, so bear with me) goof around with firefighters and pet animals on a farm really makes me wish they didn't have to deal with the reality of being caught in the middle of a narcissism contest helmed by the monsters their parents have become.

4. Consider this interview with Jon Gosselin, in which he speculates that, over the course of the series, he "became more educated about himself" and "always looked for blame and never really took blame and now [he's] taking blame." Sounds promising, right? Then, he blames Kate for marrying him at 22 and starting a family right away, ostensibly denying him his oat-sowing carefree years. Why didn't he just say "NOT!" after he said the first thing? It would've saved time.

5. Jon & Kate both seem to be under the impression that the paparazzi are single-handedly responsible for ruining their family's lives. Neither Gosselin can tire of cracking snide remarks about the photographers who trail them wherever they go. But, you know what, Gosselins? Maggots flock to decaying garbage; that's just what maggots do. How about instead of asking maggots to be different, maybe just don't be garbage.

6. I know that gawking at Jon's bad taste in clothes is old hat, but you seriously HAVE to see the shirts Jon wore in this episode. One said "Lies, Lies, Lies" on it, and the other looked like somebody had taken the kind of duvet cover you buy for your dorm -- the one that's made of lightweight denim -- and sporadically puked up Magic Marker ink all over it. Fatherhood couture!

7. During the part of the episode where the kids hang out with Kate -- you know, because they're separated? -- the Gosselins went to a dairy farm, where they drank what their mom kept reminding them was "organic milk," before a kitten wandered over and all of the little ones fought over who got to hold it. Kate "won," because she's an adult, I guess? Everything about all of it made me sad. You can see her clutching that poor cat in this clip.

8. Finally, Ken Tucker pointed out in his "EW" recap that the finale's most "repulsive moment" came from an incident in which one of the older twins, while making signs for a lemonade stand with their dad, complained "I like stuff we do with Mommy," which set Jon off. He punished both girls by sending them inside immediately, and didn't even let them participate in the lemonade sale later in the episode. That was one of the most upsetting things I've ever seen on television, and I watch "Hoarders" and "Tyra."

So, Godspeed, Gosselins. May both Jon and Kate get what he or she deserves out of life, may their kids thrive and transcend the uniquely postmodern circumstances into which they were born, and may TLC go back to showcasing the "victimless crime" form of parenthood-based entertainment known as "My Monkey Baby."