Eight O'Clock Coffee is giving away "Mad Men" e-cards, but you have to write them yourself! Everyone knows that the beauty of a greeting card is that someone else has already done the hard work for you. So maybe series creator Matthew Weiner should consider making a line of actual "Mad Men" greeting cards. Don Draper has a way with words, and so does everyone else at Sterling Cooper. With that in mind, here are 14 cards for almost any occasion, written the way only a bunch of depressed, repressed, philandering drunks can write them.

Wedding Anniversary

OUTSIDE: There is a twinge in our heart far more powerful than memory alone.
INSIDE: It takes us to a place where we ache to go again...It let's us travel the way a child travels -- around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved. ~Don Draper


50th Wedding Anniversary

OUTSIDE: It's been a wonderful 50 years of marriage!
INSIDE: But we didn't get to where we are by dwelling on the past. ~Bertram Cooper


Baby Shower

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on the beautiful baby! But how will you sleep at night?
INSIDE: On a bed made of money. ~Don Draper


Thinking of You

OUTSIDE: Look, I want to tell you something because your very dear to me and I hope you understand it comes from the bottom of my damaged, damaged heart.
INSIDE: You are the finest piece of ass I ever had and I don't care who knows it. I am so glad I got to roam those hillsides. ~Roger Sterling


Happy Birthday

OUTSIDE: One day you're there, and there's less of you, and you wonder where that part went.
INSIDE: It's living somewhere outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you'll get it back, and then you realize it's just gone. ~Peggy Olson


Merry Christmas

OUTSIDE: We finally have an answer to the question: What makes you smile?
INSIDE (WITH CASH): $5,000 seems to the number. ~Lane Pryce


Congratulations

OUTSIDE: Sometimes when people get what they want...
INSIDE: ...they realize how limited their goals were. ~Joan Holloway


Sorry We Had a Fight

OUTSIDE: People may see things differently...
INSIDE: ...but they don't really want to. ~Don Draper


I Love You

OUTSIDE: I was just thinking of all the days I walked by you and didn't even notice.
INSIDE: How is that possible? ~Duck Phillips


Get Well Soon

OUTSIDE: One minute, you're on top of the world...
INSIDE: ...the next, some secretary is running over your foot with a lawn mower. ~Joan Holloway


Divorce

OUTSIDE: Get out of here and move forward.
INSIDE: This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened. ~Don Draper


Congratulations on the Promotion

OUTSIDE: You want to be taken seriously?
INSIDE: Stop dressing like a little girl. ~Joan Holloway

Death in the Family

OUTSIDE: Sorry for your loss, but remember...
INSIDE: ...mourning is just extended self-pity. ~Don Draper


Encouragement

OUTSIDE: Do you know what happiness is?
INSIDE: Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of the road that screams reassurance that whatever you are doing is okay. You are okay. ~Don Draper