Who better to try her luck as a standup comic than someone who has absolutely NO SENSE OF HUMOR? Prepare for the awkwardness as Brenda takes to the stage in our latest installment of The Great Rewatch of "Beverly Hills, 90210,"

We open at West Beverly, with this ominous credit:

 

 

First of all: Carol Burnett's daughter is going to be in this episode. Second: she's going to be playing somebody named SKY. I'm already annoyed. Anyway, Andrea finds Brandon in the hall and tells him she has a proposition for him. Brandon: "Your desk or mine?" Cruel! I mean, we assume Brandon can tell Andrea's into him, don't we? It's not subtle. But Andrea doesn't have sex with Brandon on her mind (today): she wants him to run for office. Brandon can't believe this is her big idea; as he says, no one at West Beverly knows him. Andrea corrects him, saying that no one knows him well enough to hate him. Brandon smiles tolerantly and tells her to have a nice day. Andrea begs him: the person she was backing chickened out, and there's no reason to leave student government to the popular airheads!

Cut to: the popular airheads.

 

 

Brenda is telling Donna and Kelly that she can't wake up. Donna thinks she could have mono, but Brenda says she's only afflicted in school. Her mood doesn't improve when Dylan intercepts her to say he can't take her to "The Fallout Club" this weekend because he has to go see his dad in Mexico. Brenda pouts at him to let her come, because of her killer ennui or whatever the hell, but Dylan tells her she can still go to the club; if she gives them his name, they'll let her in. And who DOESN'T love going to the club by herself? On the other hand, I'm not sure a weekend with the Fightin' McCoys would be much more fun than that.

And the time it took for Brenda to whine about her life is all it took for Brandon to cave, because now he and Andrea are coming down another artery of the hallway, with David trailing him with a camcorder, talking about his nascent political career. "The sister is always the last to know," grouses Brenda. Kelly purrs that Brandon already looks presidential, with his "Kennedy hair." Dylan peels off to talk to him while Kelly licks her chops, saying, "It's like a magnet." Brenda doesn't know what she's referring to. Kelly: "Power!" Yeah, the "power" to choose the prom theme. Keep your knickers on, Kelly.

Chez Walsh that night, Brandon's evidently just finished telling his overly proud parents about the campaign when Kelly and Donna bust in, practically panting with lust to be this close to the candidate. And, I mean, REALLY? It's student government -- HIGH SCHOOL student government! If Brandon gets elected, he MAY get to ask the school board for more garbage cans for the quad. It is so not a big deal. But anyway, Kelly says she's never been friends with a candidate before. "Friends with a candidate's SISTER," Brenda tartly corrects her. Kelly basically ignores Brenda and tells Brandon she's never even voted before. Brandon sanctimoniously tells her she should vote, because it's important to make a difference. On the issue of lunchroom rules. Because it's high school. But somehow even the idea of making a difference gets Kelly's voice to drop into its throatiest register. It's really something to behold -- her excitement even infects Donna!

 

 

So it turns out that when Brenda said she had to go upstairs and change her jacket, what was actually happening is this.

 

 

Brenda was crying because Brandon was getting all the attention, and because she's kind of the worst. Cindy comes up looking for her to see if she knows where the art supplies are, and Brenda tries (sort of) to cover up her tears, but asks Cindy whether she's ever felt "like a phone call that's been disconnected." Cindy says that it comes with the territory of growing up. "Along with hormone hell, bad driving, classes that don't relate to life...." Cindy is barely paying attention as she gets a box of craft stuff out of the linen closet, so she only manages a perfunctory half-hug, telling Brenda she'll be fine or whatever. Kelly yells up to her that they're going to be "late for the club." I guess they should hurry, or this club is going to give away their reservations. Shut up, Kelly. Alone, Brenda murmurs, "I feel like I don't belong." Shut up, Brenda.

Also: shut up, Fallout Club.

 

 

(I will say that it's nice to get a reminder that there have been try-hards in every era of pop culture.) Inside, things don't look any more promising.

 

 

That's Sky, and she has the nerve to say that The Fallout Club is "the coffeehouse that doesn't take itself too seriously" from her berth on the FAINTING COUCH. As Sky, in the background, informs us that the performers at the club will offer poetry, comedy, personal confessions, whatever, Donna is put off by the general vibe, and Brenda complains that it's too smoky. Kelly ignores their crabbing and reminds them that it's "the hot new place," leading them to some seats. Sky has gotten around to her biography: her father was in the Air Force and her mother was a pothead, which she guesses makes her an airhead. Brenda grins knowingly at this bon mot. Sky says that being a GI brat was great training for whatever it is she's doing on the stage right now, because in both cases she had to learn how to make people like her, "fast." She talks about changing schools mid-year, and though Brenda is rapt, Donna and Kelly's body language communicates very clearly that Sky could use a refresher course in winning over strangers.

 

 

Sky says that her best advice is, "Don't join any cliques. Join EVERY clique!" Brenda cracks up, telling Donna and Kelly, "That is so true." Kelly: "It's not that funny." I hate it when Kelly's right.

Chez Walsh, Steve is in Brandon's room, because who better to tap to work on the campaign? He's yammering on about some girl he has the hots for who only wears orange when Brandon busts out his slogan: "I listen to my student body." That sounds absolutely filthy. Steve says that isn't going to work in Beverly Hills, and tells him about the Vice-President at Beverly, who last year took out a different girl every week, "to NAIL their votes." Brandon thinks that's awful, but Steve says that's what it takes to win: politicians who are successful are the ones who go for the jugular. But Brandon's such a good guy! Just ask him!

Back at the Fallout Club, Sky winds up her set. As she rolls by with a pad and pencil (she's also a waitress, of course), Brenda tells her she was "really wonderful," and Sky chuckles for half an hour like she's trying to come on to Brenda, which maybe she is. She says that Brenda looks familiar and asks whether she's been to the club before, but Brenda says she's new in town -- "an accounting brat from Minnesota." Sky says that they're practically related, and then -- sensing, I assume, the waves of resentment coming off Kelly, who's not the center of attention, for once -- she takes their coffee orders. Kelly wants a cappuccino, Donna wants a café au lait with chocolate and no cinnamon, and Brenda just wants a Coke, because she's from the Midwest and keeps it real. Sky notices the next performer taking the stage and tells them they're going to love Jack. This guy...I mean, from the hair to the rolled-up sleeves, he is like a standup comedy time capsule.

 

 

Jack has barely started his set when Kelly calls out to Sky with an edit to her order: "Whipped cream on mine." Of course, this draws Jack's attention -- and, of course, you know this is going to end with Kelly in a snit. "Whipped cream on yours," he repeats. "What do we have here? Typical California girl. Blonde. Into the important things -- like clothes, makeup..." He puts on a theatrical laugh: "WAY too much makeup!" Kelly -- the only person with less ability to laugh at herself than Brenda -- is predictably pissy.

 

 

But Brenda's like a kid on Christmas morning.

 

 

Kelly wants to leave, of course, but Brenda decides to defend Kelly...with sarcasm! She confidently answers Jack, "You know, I love it when people make snap judgments without any information. You can be so much more objective that way." Jack calls her a "hecklette," and guesses that she tried on 50 jackets, but none of them worked, so she went with the one she's wearing. Brenda shoots back, "Yeah, kind of like you -- you tried out 50 jokes and none of them worked." She could have stopped after "like you" -- I'm not sure he's in a position to make fun of anyone else's jacket -- but somehow Brenda's burn impresses him.

 

 

(Is that the producers' way of telling us this is his first night on stage?) Donna leans over and appreciatively tells Kelly, "I didn't know she could do that!" Kelly: "Neither did she." Brenda is so smug right now, you guys.

The next day, Brenda recounts her moment of glory for the rest of the Walshes at the kitchen table. No one cares -- and fortunately, they have the excuse of working on Brandon's campaign posters and buttons and stuff to cover their lack of interest. Brandon takes off to answer the door, and I swear, Brenda speaks this line that a probably very well-paid TV producer wrote: "Mom, these performance-oriented coffeehouses are really happening!" Hey Brenda, Cindy might be more convinced if she could see your PowerPoint presentation on the subject! Her parents are ignoring her so hard that Brenda has to pull the "I'm pregnant!" move just to make sure they can actually hear her. A classic.

At the door, Kelly is holding a button up to Brandon's chest, forcing us all to wonder if Andrea would have ever proposed the whole student government thing if she'd known it would give Kelly a pretext to touch Brandon's torso. (Donna is also there, being typically silent and pointless.) Kelly tells Brandon that she was up all night from "that toxic cappuccino" (Brenda, fortunately, enters after this, so we don't have to hear her filibuster about the coffeehouse's unique business model and customer retention rate), and realized she can help Brandon win: she knows everyone. Brenda says that whenever political coverage comes on TV, Kelly switches to MTV, and Kelly straight ignores her. Brandon says he could use all the help he can get, which is Andrea's cue to bustle in with poster paper and oblivious enthusiasm, asking, "Help doing what?" Kelly announces that she's going to run Brandon's campaign. Andrea, wounded, says she thought she was going to do that, and Brandon's all, can't you both be my political concubines? (I'm paraphrasing.) Kelly's totally not scared of Andrea.

 

 

But Andrea's obviously scared of Kelly, and asks to speak to Brandon outside, where she confesses that her alleged friend who backed out of the race was...Andrea! Of course! I knew she didn't have any other friends. She says she didn't want to lose, and Brandon says he doesn't either: "Democracy needs you, Andrea. I need you." Andrea gets all weak in the knees and goes inside to help her man.

In the foyer, Brenda calls out that she's ready for...something. Kelly says she can't go to the "political blabfest" Sky invited them to attend because she's going to stay and help Brandon with the campaign, and then Donna backs out too, because the smoke in the Fallout Club is hard on her contacts. They couldn't have just said they were out at "political blabfest"? Brandon suggests that Brenda stay and work on his campaign too, as if, but she flounces out, saying that she guesses Sky is just too mature for Kelly and Donna. Kelly: "Please, they don't even card at that club. Do they?"

A political blabfest sounds strident and annoying, but it turns out it's just boring. The Fallout Club by day is just like any other poorly lit dump, and on the day of this alleged "blabfest," everyone's just sitting around in their dowdy granny dresses, reading magazines. Brenda finds Sky at the counter; Sky thanks her for coming out to whatever is (isn't) going on, and tells her about some other benefit that she and Jack are doing the next day. Brenda sees that it's happening in the morning and is crestfallen: she has to go to school, though she wishes she didn't; she's been feeling out of step with her teenaged peers lately. Sky knows what she means -- it's why she left school at 16. Brenda, aghast, asks what her parents thought, and Sky shrugs that they were upset at first, but that they came around. She had a cousin who was going on a road trip across the country, and Sky just had to go; then they went to Greece, and "many adventures later," she ended up at the club. "You've really lived," breathes Brenda, as though she were talking to Diane von Furstenberg and not a waitress in a coffeehouse who sometimes gets her hands on a microphone. Sky eats it up, and starts talking about how awesome her life got once she quit stupid old school: she read great books, got involved in environmental causes -- the usual. Brenda says that she could be doing the same thing, and Sky says that Brenda reminds her of herself as a teenager, though she throws some lip service to the idea that Brenda should stay in school. Brenda says she doesn't want to drop out: she wants "the best of both worlds." I don't know, it seems like a big strain on Miley.

We find out what Brenda ACTUALLY has in mind the next day at school as the guidance counselor (I guess) hands her a high school equivalency form. She cautions Brenda that her parents will have to sign it, and asks what Brenda's going to tell them. Brenda, dramatically: "I'll just tell them...I'll tell them I'm quitting school."

Obviously, it is not that easy, which Jim and Cindy confirm Chez Walsh after the commercials. Jim declares that Brenda is NOT dropping out of school. Brenda counters that it's not dropping out; it's getting your diploma early. Cindy tells her that the high-school experience is too important to skip, but Brenda says that she learns so much more from her friends: she mentions the people at The Fallout Club -- who talk politics in their spare time! For fun! -- as if she didn't just meet them TWO DAYS AGO. She wants to learn from life, not just memorize things! Jim can understand where she's coming from, because everyone has those fantasies before life grinds them down to a nub (I'm paraphrasing): he wanted to join the Peace Corps and save the world, while Cindy wanted to go to Greenwich Village and be the new Judy Collins. Brenda basically tells her parents that she can be better than they are by committing to her hare-brained plans instead of bailing on them, like they did on theirs, adding that they raised her so well that she's ahead of schedule. Jim fondly chuckles that she needs to put on the brakes, because they're not going to let her ruin her life. And then they get Queen Bitch.

 

 

Brenda accuses her parents of not wanting to let her LIVE her LIFE. She says they don't understand. They say they do. She points an accusing finger as she insists, "NO, you DON'T," and stomps off. Cindy yells after her, "All right, we don't understand, and the answer is still no!" In the distance, a door slams. Jim sighs that at least they have one perfect child (I'm paraphrasing -- not much!) with his "feet on the ground."

Cut to: Brandon's feet.

 

 

Get it? His feet literally aren't on the ground! I think that's "foreshadowing." Kelly's taking campaign photos, doing her best to make Brandon look impressive. It's not quite working, so she gives him a sheaf of "cute politician pictures" for inspiration. Andrea comes over and, somewhat passive-aggressively, sing-songs that Kelly's been busy. Kelly's response:

 

 

Andrea looks at the photos and sharply tells Kelly that Gary Hart never even made it to the nominations, which Kelly claims is because he was too cute for his own good. But Brandon, the novice, wants to run his campaign on the issues -- like using surplus cafeteria food to feed homeless people. Andrea loves it, but Kelly says they need to offer voters things they want for themselves. At this point, Brenda appears in the bathroom doorway to announce that she has her own campaign going: to leave school. Kelly says that's perfect: they'll say they're going to get the school administration to let students leave campus for lunch! Brandon marches over and gets in Brenda's face about her actually being serious about quitting school -- which, if she is, is "seriously nuts." Brenda sets her jaw and says she is serious, but Kelly calls in to tell Brandon they have to finish the roll before the photo place closes (remember rolls? And photo places?), and Brandon has to go back to the shoot, and Brenda is left LIVID that she can't even find someone to fight with her.

Some indeterminate length of time later, Brenda's at school, surrounded by Brandon's campaign posters.

 

 

Some chick asks if she's Brandon Walsh's sister, and Brenda sourly shoots back that she feels like Ferris Bueller's sister. Finally, one timeless reference.

Elsewhere, Kelly sends Brandon -- who you can tell is campaigning because he's wearing a tie -- over to introduce himself to a pack of random girls. And when I say "random," please understand: I mean RANDOM.

 

 

And then Kelly gets David to throw ethics to the wind by producing a "sexy" campaign video for Brandon, even though he's broadcasting the candidates' debate; to press her point, she hints that if he does it, then after the victory party, they can maybe go out on a date, "or something." David asks himself what Geraldo would do. Kelly: "He'd go for it." And she's right!

Brenda watches this whole disgusting display, murmuring, "Comedy and politics." She's writing when some unfortunate-looking kid in a rugby shirt comes over and says hi. Without looking up, Brenda answers all the questions she thinks the kid has about Brandon, and then feels like a jerk when she sees she knows him; his name is Michael. Much friendlier now, she mildly complains that the campaign seems to have taken over the school; Michael, sitting down, says he's sick of politics. He asks if she's doing homework, and she corrects him that it's "work" -- at least she's hoping it is, and not just a bunch of pitiful jokes. Michael is way too impressed at the mere IDEA of Brenda trying to get on Amateur Night at The Fallout Club, but before she can bask in his attention, Kelly comes over and Michael practically runs away, and soon we find out why: Kelly hisses at Brenda that Michael is Brandon's opponent in the election, so she hopes Brenda didn't tell him anything. Brenda snits that Michael was interested in her. Kelly: "Yeah, right. Grow up, Brenda." HA! Brenda is extremely boring in this episode, it's true.

Fallout Club, by night. Brenda's workshopping her material for Sky and Jack, talking about how kids are trying to act like adults, but that they choose the most immature ones to emulate. She comments that it isn't working, and Jack agrees. And he wouid know from not working: check out the vest he's rocking.

 

 

Jack tells Brenda to take it further: babies in playpens, crying, "Elect me!" Brenda is, of course, bowled over by this revolutionary advice, and Jack and Sky get to act all faux-modest with the claptrap about unlearning everything they knew. Jack wanders off, and Sky quietly tells Brenda she's heard that some things you learn from Jack, you never want to unlearn, IN BED. Brenda gets wide-eyed at the idea that Sky and Jack are LOVERS, and Sky quickly says that even good sex can ruin a good friendship. When Jack returns, there's a super-long pause (EDITOR), and then Sky gravely asks Jack to housesit for her while she goes upstate to Modesto to deal with a family crisis. Jack refuses, because every time he's done it in the past, they've ended up fighting over the way he feeds the "yuppie." "Guppy," she corrects him. Yes, these are the "professional" "comedians" at whose knees Brenda's going to learn the craft. Of course, Brenda can volunteer to housesit for Sky! Contrived problem conveniently solved.

Chez Walsh, we get a preview of Brandon's campaign video, which appears to have been cobbled together out of the "Beverly Hills, 90210" opening credits. Seriously, there's a shot of Brandon hopping into Dylan's car and surfing, both from this episode, and a bunch of clips from Brandon's failed basketball tryout in this episode. They're not even trying. I assume this expression...

 

 

...is Brandon trying to figure out why he never noticed the professional film cameras in his face all those times, at the beach and outside the trendy nightclub or IN HIS DRIVEWAY. Anyway, Andrea doesn't know what any of the silent glamor shots they're watching has to do with student government. Kelly reminds her that she'd said girls vote more than boys -- so, I guess, Kelly decided to give said girls a whole plastic pumpkin full of eye candy. The video ends with David's voice-over: "Bran the Man! He'll deliver!" Andrea's like, "Deliver what?" She points out that Brandon hasn't said what he's going to do, and Kelly says that's the beauty of it: "He doesn't have to say anything." Finally, Andrea's had enough; she quits the campaign and stomps out. Brandon knows this is bad, but Kelly stands up and coos, "I'm still here." She tells Brandon that if you really want something, "you have to go after it...hard." Brandon finally gets her meaning and comments that Steve wouldn't like this. Kelly says that Steve's off chasing some girl in orange this week, but that he would LOVE to be in Brandon's shoes right now. But before they can take the flirtation anywhere (and I'll say this for Kelly: she's good), in walks Brenda. You can tell from her outfit that she is not a silly high-school girl but -- like her new, mature friends -- a serious artist.

 

 

Brandon and Kelly both look guilty, but Brenda shrugs, "Don't mind me. It's fine. I've moved past all this." Kelly snorts (hilariously), and drawls, "Excuse us." Brenda: "No, go ahead -- play your little political games in your kindergarten-like world. I'm off to experience the real thing." Brandon and Kelly both think Brenda's an ass.

Upstairs, Brenda is folding laundry in her room when Jim and Cindy enter, all smiles, saying they didn't know she was back. She announces that she isn't, for long: "I'm moving out." Now Jim and Cindy think she's an ass. Also, she is an ass.

After commercials...Brenda is gone? Already? And Brandon has set up his campaign headquarters in her room? Okay. Brandon says something about how weird it is that Brenda's gone as though it's been days and not, like, five minutes. "I can't believe you guys just let her go off by herself," Brandon brays at his parents. "Me neither," Jim hoarsely whispers to Cindy once Brandon's left the room. So here's their logic: they had to say yes to this because they'd just said no to high-school equivalency. I wish that when my parents had said no to me getting a nose ring, I'd taken the opportunity immediately to ask for a grenade launcher. They agree that they couldn't make too big a deal out of Brenda's temporary runaway or else it would have made her even more insistent, which is true -- she is stubborn and contrary. The upshot: it's only for three days, the apartment's in a safe neighborhood, and they can drive by to stalk check on her.

Cut to Sky's apartment. I really expected more clichéd decorating choices from Sky, but I guess she's too broke to fill her home with quirk. She asks how Brenda convinced her parents to let her housesit, and Brenda says it was so easy it actually freaked her out, but that maybe they're just too focused on Brandon to worry that much about her. Sky blahs some bromide and starts giving her the tour: the locks have to be jiggled. The fish's name is Shakespeare. Brenda can't wait to have her own temperamental locks and twee-named fish! Brenda LOVES ADULTHOOD!

 

 

So then Sky trusts her home to a 16-year-old girl she met three days ago.

Once Sky has gone, Brenda gets into her pajamas and eats a piece of cake on Sky's bed and then tries on Sky's funky hat. Brenda is just like Sky!

And then Brenda ill-advisedly wears said hat to school the next day, paired with a dumpy grandma dress.

 

 

This won't end well. Brenda's putting her things away when she glances up and sees Kelly holding an impromptu screening party for "Bran the Man" in the hallway:

 

 

You can see in that shot, that's Brandon getting into Dylan's car. COME ON, SHOW. David tells Kelly it's brilliant, and he wishes he could take credit for it, and she assures him, "You have credit with me." She also has a list of topics Brandon's campaign wants to cover at the debate the next day. David anxiously reminds her that he's monitoring the debate and that they have to follow Robert's Rules of Order. "Of course we do," purrs Kelly, holding the sheet out to him. "My phone number's on the back." She flounces off. David: "Brutal." And I mean, granted, he's an easy mark -- I'm just saying, she knows what she's doing. Brenda, meanwhile, is leaning against her locker, judging Brandon. Andrea rolls up beside Brenda just as Brandon glad-hands some random in the hallway; Brenda mutters that Brandon thinks that guy's a jerk, and Andrea sneers that jerks are voters too. Brenda breathlessly says she can't believe the way Brandon's allowing himself to be manipulated, which of course is Kelly's cue to come over. Still stung to have been replaced, Andrea takes off, so she's not there to witness it when Kelly sniffs, "Brenda, how can you wear that costume?" HAHAHA! Awesome, and so accurate and hurtful. Kelly gets a perfect score for that dis. Brenda tries to turn it around by literally describing how she put it on. Comeback FAIL. Brandon appears, to Brenda's sarcastic "Bran the Man!" (to which he doesn't even bother responding). Kelly: "First of all, Hippie Witch is out." That look had a name? Ever? Brenda counters that her look is "Twin Peaks," which it's not; those girls were in '40s and '50s-era outfits that were impeccably tailored, not sad messes poorly cinched with ugly belts. Kelly (awesomely) makes the argument that Brenda's dumb outfits could hurt Brandon's campaign (as opposed to everyone's sensibilities -- although, that too), and Brandon lamely asks her to lay off trying to make any fashion statements until after the election. Then there's talk of a party at Donna's that night; Brenda can't go because she has to feed Sky's fish. Kelly snorts that it "sounds thrilling," and Brenda smugly says that when Kelly's on her own, she'll understand what it means to have responsibilities. Actually, given Jackie's many rehab stints, I'm pretty sure Kelly's been on her own a lot more than Brenda ever has, BUT ANYWAY.

Brenda gets back to Sky's that night to find the apartment door open and the living-room furniture gone. She sees someone moving around in the bedroom and, instead of running back out, half-hides behind a pillar. Yikes, Brenda, your life could be in danger from this apparent burglar! The guy, stereo components (or something) in hand, immediately sees her and asks what she's doing, and she stammers that she didn't see anything so they should take whatever they want. The guy tells her they don't need her permission to repossess Sky's things. OH! Now it's comedy! Brenda begs them to let her call someone first (uh...pretty sure Sky doesn't have the money to solve this problem, or it wouldn't BE a problem), but she has no way of getting hold of Sky, and pretty soon she has to get up out of the chair she's sitting in so the dude can repossess that too. No sooner has he closed the door behind him than Brenda hears another knock and screams, "There's nothing left!" Oh, it's just Jack at the door, in his wacky blue Hawaiian shirt, to murmur, "You're something!" Uh oh. Dude, she's in high school. He says he saw the guys cruising by earlier, but that what Sky has lost is "just things," and they still have what's important: "You. Me. Franco-American Spaghetti." Good thing Sky's STOVE didn't get repossessed, right?

But guess what? Sky's gas is out! (I actually saw this coming and was being sarcastic just now. I've actually seen a TV show before.) Jack says they still have "food for the mind," and will imagine "a spectacular, romantic dinner." Dude, SHE IS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL. Also, imagining a great dinner sounds like hobo talk to me.

And then Brenda opens the door to find Brandon's campaign party on Sky's doorstep. Donna's parents wouldn't let them have it at their place, Kelly explains, before looking Jack up and down and drawling, "So this is the fish you're feeding...while the cat's away." You guys, Jack is 35 if he's a day. This is creepy. A comic line of party guests stream in, at the end of which is Brandon and his (unlikely) political groupies. No, really.

 

 

Even Steve shows up with Sara, the orange enthusiast. As she mingles, Steve asks Brenda where the bedroom is. She can't even find the words to tell him how gross he is, so he sputters that he'll find it himself. Kelly snorts that he has a talent for that, before asking Brenda where the food is. Brenda sarcastically says that if she'd known they were coming, she'd have stocked the kitchen, to which Kelly announces that she tried to call but that the phone had been disconnected. Brenda seems shocked by this -- and I guess we therefore have to assume that SHE has never seen a TV show before.

Undaunted, Kelly heads into the kitchen -- but there's nothing in the kitchen, and only a sad burst of brown water from the tap. Brenda is on Sky's dumb Lego phone trying to raise SOMEone when David enters, behind the school video camera, which he's apparently hired Scott to sherpa for him. David's doing a play-by-play on the party, about which there's obviously not much to say; when he spots Brenda, he calls over "the candidate's sister," who takes the opportunity to grab the microphone and scream at everyone to get out. But Jack, of course, is a born performer, and instead of ending the party decides to harangue the guests, asking what they really know about Brandon. Brenda picks up the thread, asking whether Brandon even knows anymore, or if he's just become "this processed candidate." Ouch? (I don't know what that means, but I'm going off context clues.) Brandon and Brenda glare at each other, so Kelly hustles over to David so that they can show the new campaign video. Fortunately, someone had the foresight to guess that Sky was broke and bring over a small TV, but when they plug it in...

 

 

Wah-wah. I had a very similar experience a few years ago when I plugged in a small lamp under my desk one afternoon and the power in the house went out. And we were fully paid up on our electric bill so I figured we'd just blown a fuse, but no, it was actually the Blackout of 2003. I don't THINK I started it with my little fan, but who knows, really. Anyway, that's the end of the party, such as it was. "Low-rent city," scoffs Steve on his way out. "You're welcome!" barks Brenda. As everyone takes off for the Peach Pit, Kelly snits that Brenda ended up with "the apartment from Hell." Brenda then turns on Kelly and Brandon for assuming they could even have the party there. They shoot back that she should have offered. Brenda turns the fight around on Kelly for taking up with Brandon, and Kelly carps, "YOU are the one who ditched me for the ever-groovy Sky and Jack." Brenda says that Kelly just gets mad whenever Brenda gets attention so she decided to console herself "ON BRANDON." Kelly, awesomely, doesn't deny it. Brandon hisses at Brenda not to "do this" (whatever "this" is) "right now," and Brenda, eyes ablaze, asks if it's bad for his campaign. Okay, guys, seriously, think back to any student government campaigns that went on when you were in high school. First of all: do you remember anyone caring what scandal a candidate's sibling might bring on the campaign? Second: do you remember anyone caring AT ALL? This is all so ludicrous! Anyway, Brandon says he has to go, and is she sure she doesn't want to come? "I'm not sure I even want to vote." OH MY GOD, BRENDA, NO! IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO GET INVOLVED! SHE'S JADED NOW! NOOOOOO! (Ugh.) And then everyone's gone -- even pervy Jack, who amazingly doesn't stay to console Brenda as she CRIES.

After the commercials, it's time for the big debate -- the farcical centerpiece of a completely ridiculous process. Early polling has things favoring Brandon, but the candidate, already having an obvious crisis of conscience, wonders aloud whether he should talk about some of the community initiatives he wants to undertake, but Kelly tells him he can wait until he's in office to make those things happen; first, he has to win. Compromise!

Inside, Brandon faces his opponent. Michael says he's developed an instinct from his many failed campaigns: he expects Brandon to get 80% of the vote. Brandon says that people shouldn't vote for someone just because they like his campaign video, and Michael smiles at him, pityingly. There's some exposition about how qualified Michael is -- Honors Society, intern at the State Capital -- and he excitedly says that he's interested in public policy because it affects the homeless. Brandon tells him about his idea to give leftover cafeteria food to the indigent, and Michael says that "when" Brandon gets elected, he can use the pilot program Michael established last year. Brandon soulfully tells Michael, "May the better candidate win." Michael wishes the same.

Ugh, here we go. Brandon wants to get rock bands to the cafeteria at lunch every Friday. Wild applause! Michael politely asks how Brandon intends to implement this, and Brandon lamely says they'll contact the bands.... Michael, the kllljoy, explains that it's more complicated than that: as former Assistant Activities Committee Chairman, he knows that there are questions of releases, insurance, and other such wet-blanketry. This is so not what the students want to hear, by the way; if Michael hadn't totally crushed their spirits, someone would definitely start a chant of "More empty promises!" As it is, just look at them!

 

 

Brenda and Andrea look smug. Kelly and Donna look worried. Brandon looks caught, and...ends his campaign by endorsing Michael. Underneath the smarm, Brandon is Jim and Cindy's son after all. Michael can't believe his dumb luck.

Afterward, Kelly is also in disbelief -- that she wasted two weeks of her life on this. It's been two weeks? But when they first went to the coffeehouse, they...okay, whatever, moving on. Brenda and Andrea decide they can stomach talking to Brandon again. Kelly pulls Brenda aside to ask about apartment life. Wait, Brenda's still there? It was supposed to be for three days, and...MOVING ON. Brenda says it's "pretty powerless." She still has to be there to feed the fish? It wouldn't die if there wasn't any power to run its filter? Why am I fact-checking an 18-year-old TV episode? Kelly comes as close as she ever will to apologizing by asking Brenda to hang out that night, but Brenda says she has to practice something she wrote for Audition Night at the Fallout Club. She's obviously gearing up to blah on about it endlessly when David appears to remind elly about their date: "You, me, and my dad's hot tub." And Kelly's "campaign debt nightmare begins" -- with the deflowering of David, apparently.

Chez Walsh, Brandon is just finishing telling Jim how great and noble he is for not wanting to win the campaign "that way." Jim is proud of him, of course, but says now he can admit that he really hated Brandon's campaign video. "So did I," says Brandon. "So did I," says Brenda, who somehow slipped into the house without making any noise. Everyone is just thrilled to see Brenda (who has been gone, at most, THREE DAYS), telling her to make herself at home and offering her a sandwich and so forth.

In the kitchen, Brenda can't believe how full the fridge is, and Cindy casually reminds her, "It's always like this." Brenda wisftully says she supposes it is. Jim tentatively creeps into the room to ask whether Brenda's really home for good (SHE WAS ONLY EVER HOUSESITTING OH MY GOD), and Cindy gives him a look like he shouldn't spook the horses.

 

Brenda says she just came to get some clean clothes, and her high-school equivalency form. Jim hesitantly reminds her that there's no way he and Cindy are going to sign anything like that, and Brenda goes OFF, saying that she didn't ask them to sign it; she just wanted to know where it was, GOD. She stomps off. Left alone, Cindy tells Jim, "This is killing me." Yeah, I can't imagine going on through life without regular exposure to Brenda's horrible temper tantrums! But no, Cindy wants to beg Brenda to come home. Jim agrees, at first, but then says they have to resist that urge...but then joins Cindy in assembling a "care package" of groceries for Brenda to take back to Sky's. You two!

So Brenda returns to Sky's to find the lady of the house sitting dejectedly in the empty apartment. Guess what? Being on your own is really hard. Sky didn't want to say anything because she knew Brenda looked up to her, but the family crisis in Modesto was...Sky herself! Who needed to hit up her parents for money, since she's "plain old overextended." Brenda anxiously asks if everything's okay now. Compared to the homeless? Sure. Compared to Sky's dreams? Not exactly. Sky whines on about the difficult, penurious life of an artist, winding up by saying that Brenda's welcome to stay if she wants, but that Sky understands if Brenda would rather not. Brenda says that Sky won't be getting rid of Brenda that easily, so Sky proposes that Brenda stay there and SKY will go live with Cindy! HAHAHA but seriously, Sky would move in with the Walshes in a second.

To the Fallout Club! As Jack emcees, Brenda quietly freaks out in the wings; apparently, what she wrote is "so personal." Sky tells her this is "all about finding yourself," and also getting your stuff repoed and failing to support yourself and a fish. (I'm paraphrasing.)

So on stage, Brenda spoken-words the story of how she was going to be soooo independent, but ended up shopping at Mom's. The rest of the Walshes enter just in time to hear the crowd laughing generously at Brenda's quip, and to hear her screw up the line reading on her tag: "Hey, the price is RIGHT" as opposed to "Hey, the PRICE is right." She talks about how little she was missed -- Brandon taking over her room; Jim and Cindy being supportive and nice about her leaving. OH IF ONLY SHE KNEW, RIGHT? She describes being on your own as being your own person, not just glomming on to someone else so that you forget who you were...and Jack and Sky smile knowingly; they're so cool they've been glommed onto sooooo many times!

 

 

But Brenda's found herself right there on stage and doesn't need to speed up her high-school career after all. Cindy and Jim look relieved, and there's a smattering of cheers in the crowd, for some reason. This is what Brenda was slaving over? Brenda heads for her family for hugs and congratulations, but they're not the only ones who showed up to see her: Kelly's also there, on her "date" with David. And just to oversell it, Jim CONFIRMS that Brenda is FOR SURE going back to high school (which she never left). Next stop: notarized contract.

Brenda then heads to the bar to talk to Sky, who says she's now officially a "Fallout victim." Har? She also asks if she can have Brenda's high-school equivalency exam, and then Brenda leaves with the rest of the Walshes. Hope you didn't get too attached to Sky! You will never see her again.

Chez Walsh, Brenda takes forever to unpack her THREE DAYS' worth of clothes and recap her and Brandon's adventures. He loved having the bathroom to himself. Oh, could he autograph his poster? HAHAHUMOR!