[14:08] Tara Ariano: I really thought I was going to go to my grave without having seen any of the "Twilight" movies. And I was fine with that. So thanks for ruining my plans, WILL.
[14:09] Will Edmondson: Yeah, but in my defense, could you think of a better set-up for an Embarrassing Movie pick? On paper, I mean.
[14:09] Tara Ariano: Is it more Embarrassing than "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"?
[14:11] Will Edmondson: For me, yes. I'm a 23-year-old dude who hadn't ever read a word of the series, let alone had any interest to learn any of its plot points outside of "vampires." Plus, I didn't know that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were the leads in the movie until five minutes in. "Twilight" was my "I don't care" tour de force. That's why it was incredibly embarrassing for me to watch it.
[14:13] Tara Ariano: I don't feel like watching it covered me with glory either. For a gigantic unstoppable blockbuster, it sure was BORING. You know, I think it's fine in principle to create a story targeted at teenaged girls in which the protagonists (famously) abstain from Doing It, but maybe the ENTIRE movie didn't have to be about their sublimated sexual impulses.
[14:14] Will Edmondson: Right. It was the blue-ballsiest "teenage sex" movie maybe ever.

[14:16] Tara Ariano: Good to know that Stephenie Meyer (author of the "Twilight" books, for those who've successfully managed to avoid learning anything about her in the past year) has such an easy time portraying the stunted sexual development of a 13-year-old girl. Too bad for her husband, though.
[14:18] Will Edmondson: Yeah. And too bad for the students at the Forks, Washington high school, too. Because not only do they get to not have any of their sexual frustrations relieved, they're surrounded by vampires [Ed. note: And werewolves, too, apparently.] Tough break.
[14:18] Tara Ariano: To me, what was secretly the most entertaining thing about the movie was that Kristen Stewart still hung out with all these non-vampire friends, whose banal Pacific Northwest lives managed to be EVEN MORE BORING than the vampire storyline. How long did we need to watch these girls shop for prom dresses? Honestly.
[14:19] Will Edmondson: Exactly. Especially when they bring absolutely nothing to the table. So is it even worth us outlining the plot? Or does everyone other than me already know what it is?
[14:20] Tara Ariano: I didn't, so let's.

[14:20] Tara Ariano: Bella (Kristen Stewart) moves in with her dad after her mom goes on the road with her minor-league-baseball-playing boyfriend.
[14:20] Will Edmondson: Making her mom a cougar. Go on.
[14:20] Tara Ariano: Her dad lives in Forks, Washington, some tiny podunk town. On her first day of school, she goes to science class and gets paired up with this kid Edward Cullen, who reacts to her kind of violently, looking like she makes him want to barf. Long story short: he's a vampire.
[14:21] Will Edmondson: Yeah, and he wants to "eat" (read: bone) her because, like a fresh baked pie, she smells delicious.
[14:22] Tara Ariano: But he doesn't, because even though he's been a vampire since 1918, she is somehow so amazingly awesome that he'd rather be her boyfriend instead! But it's dicey, because of the vampire thing, so they have to be very careful of their fluids at all times! GET IT?!

[14:23] Will Edmondson: Yeah, which I'd be far more likely to believe if she was A) extremely attractive, or B) capable of expressions other than "brooding emo girl."
[14:23] Tara Ariano: Yeah, you didn't think she was hot.
[14:24] Will Edmondson: Let's just say that after my girlfriend Megan Fox and my mistress Isabel Lucas, Kristen Stewart was a letdown.
[14:24] Tara Ariano: For the record, Robert Pattinson: also not hot.
[14:24] Will Edmondson: Yeah, clearly not my department, but yeah...homie needs a haircut and some pigment in his face. I know he's a vampire, but still.
[14:25] Tara Ariano: Yeah. So once he comes out to her as a vampire, he brings her home to meet the whole bloodsucking clan, and they're all super-nice, and even invite her out to play baseball with them!
[14:25] Will Edmondson: WHICH WAS AWESOME.
[14:25] Tara Ariano: Which they do during the day, because Stephenie Meyer's vampires can totally go outside -- they just can't get in direct sunlight because they SPARKLE. (The sparkling was not awesome.)
[14:26] Will Edmondson: Yeah, the sparkling was stupid. But Vampire Baseball is the best thing to come out of this movie by FAR. It needs to be a videogame.
[14:27] Tara Ariano: Ha! And of course because the vampires are all a million years old, their uniforms are from, like, when the World Series was fixed.
[14:29] Will Edmondson: Yes, but worn in modern fashion. It was like the Black Sox in "Eight Men Out" or "Field of Dreams," except one dude vampire had his hat on sideways and the girl vampire tailored her pants to look like leggings.

[14:30] Tara Ariano: If you knew there would be more baseball in the next one, would you go see it?
[14:30] Will Edmondson: I would see a Vampire Baseball movie, but only if they made it more like "Major League" and less like an asexual after-school special. So anyway, at the game the good vampires meet some bad vampires and the bad vampires try to kill the virgin human because again, she uses awesome, delicious-smelling shampoo or something.
[14:31] Tara Ariano: This is the first whiff of conflict we've had in the movie, since Bella is totally cool with Edward being a vampire, and the Cullens don't care if he dates a mortal.
[14:31] Will Edmondson: Right.
[14:31] Tara Ariano: So the entire story boils down to this random encounter turning into a cross-country vampire snack run.
[14:32] Will Edmondson: Yeah, and somehow even that is boring! I'd totally love to see a cross-country vampire snack run movie if it were more like "National Lampoon's Vacation" meets the "Blade" trilogy and less like "Twilight."
[14:32] Tara Ariano: haha! Yeah. THAT movie would be awesome.
[14:34] Will Edmondson: I'm going to throw together a film treatment after this.
[14:34] Tara Ariano: Make sure someone takes their shirt off. I don't even care who.
[14:34] Will Edmondson: Megan Fox?
[14:34] Tara Ariano: Just don't give her any lines.
[14:35] Will Edmondson: Okay, okay, let's get on track before they send the Internet police after us.

[14:35] Tara Ariano: What else is there to say? If you saw this movie, you know our pain. If you didn't, for God's sake, DON'T.
[14:35] Will Edmondson: I'm having trouble deciding whether or not I'm glad I saw it. There are a lot of factors on both sides.
[14:36] Tara Ariano: Go on.
[14:36] Will Edmondson: Like, my major reason for wanting to see "Twilight" is that I wanted to try to understand why every girl under 15 is completely gaga for it. Like, Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus: even if I don't get the value of them, I can understand their appeal.
[14:37] Tara Ariano: Yeah, I'm scared to ask WHY you're so interested in the psyche of a teenaged girl.
[14:37] Will Edmondson: It's not the psyche part of it; it's the cultural historian and anthropologist in me that wants to stay current.
[14:37] Tara Ariano: I see. So this is was for science.
[14:39] Will Edmondson: So on the one hand, I'm glad that I've seen it, but it didn't explain it for me, it just left me with more questions. And that makes me feel like the middle-aged dad who's trying to understand Soulja Boy. And that makes me sad.
[14:40] Tara Ariano: Yeah. It's tough to find out that pop culture has left you behind by means of the most boring story ever told about a celibate teenaged vampire.
[14:41] Will Edmondson: Exactly. It's just a weak-plotted story of suppressed sexual tension with bad actors, staring and breathing on peoples' necks. It just makes me thankful for Harry Potter.
[14:42] Tara Ariano: Nothing Embarrassing about that, certainly.
[14:43] Will Edmondson: No, I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I am beyond psyched for "Half-Blood Prince." And let the record show: Robert Pattinson is a NANCYBOY compared to Harry Potter.
[14:44] Tara Ariano: Harry definitely wears less lipstick.

[14:54] Will Edmondson: So, next week, perhaps our most controversial "Embarrassing movie" ever: Bruno.
[14:55] Tara Ariano: Yeah. Embarrassing Movie Series Co-Founder Joe Reid is not even on board with this one, but for the sake of our franchise here...I guess I can man up and go. It may not be great, but at least it won't be boring.
[14:56] Will Edmondson: Right. And I'm not even sure if it's going to be "embarrassing," because I'm pretty sure I'm going to laugh a lot.