We're talking about Brandon here. "Man" is a strong word.

We open on the lawn at school. Brandon is sitting alone, leaning up against a tree, giving the stinkeye to all the happy couples, because he is lonely and jealous. He pulls out a sandwich and is about to start eating when he hears some tuneless singing coming from the other side of the tree he's leaning on. Ubiquitous character actress Kristin Dattilo (she was the pizza delivery girl on "Friends" that Ross flirted with (badly)) is singing along with her Walkman, and ostentatiously futzing with a Harvard course catalog. Brandon decides to make his move a rude one, asking if it's a private performance. She says she thought she was alone. So did he. She can leave. He says it's okay. They introduce themselves: her name is Melissa. Brandon spies the catalogue and asks if she's brilliant or a dreamer. She smiles that she's a brilliant dreamer. (And so modest!) Brandon condescendingly asks what she thinks of her chances at getting in, using this obnoxious condescending tone, like a girl applying to Harvard is like a dog walking on its hind legs. But she graciously says that she has an interview this weekend, so if that goes well, her chances of getting accepted should be pretty good. She asks where he's applying, so Brandon has to drop his patronizing attitude and admit that he's applying NOWHERE, because he's a junior. She says she won't hold it against him -- but then (coincidentally?) she has to go. Of course, she has left something on the lawn, but of course, when he calls after her, she can't hear him. It turns out to be an A+ paper, on which the teacher has written, "Caesar could have used more speechwriters like you."

Somehow, this endorsement of Melissa's smartitude doesn't psych Brandon out (as it should), because in the next scene, he's at home at his desk, still staring at Melissa's paper. He looks her up in the school directory, and is obviously thinking about calling her, and just as obviously wimps out.

Meanwhile, in Brenda's room, Kelly and Brenda are trying to win a radio contest, so when Brandon actually gets up the nerve to call Melissa, Brenda's already on it trying to get through to the radio station, because this was in the days when people had house phones they all had to share, like animals. Brandon marches right into Brenda's room to give her hell for tying up the phone every afternoon, which of course leads Kelly and Brenda to start grilling him about whom he was trying to call.

 

 

Brandon tries to downplay the whole thing, saying she's just a girl and that he has to return her Latin paper. Kelly: "WHO would want to date a girl who takes Latin?" Haha! Latin's not for girls! Also math. Anyway, Kelly and Brenda abandon their contest plans and force Brandon to the bed to call her, Brenda explaining, "Hey, you made me call guys before." He WHAT? Has anyone on this writing staff ever had an opposite-sex sibling? If so: disturbing. Brandon stalls that he doesn't even know what to say. Kelly suggests "E Pluribus Unum," which she only knows because it's on money. She also advises that Brandon attemp the "surprise approach": that way, the girl won't have time to think about it. And on "think about it," she makes this face:

 

 

Thinking is suspect and to be avoided at all costs! Brenda and Kelly throw out a bunch of rapid-fire, occasionally contradictory advice, ending by saying that if she claims she's babysitting, he should abort (as it were): it's the oldest excuse in the book. FINALLY, Brandon gets the phone, whereupon he learns that Melissa totally doesn't remember him. He tells her about her Latin paper, and when he sits on the bed to get down to brass tacks, this happens.

 

 

Yes, that would be the boom mic right over Brandon's head. Anyway. He asks Melissa to dinner Friday. She's babysitting. Saturday? Babysitting again. Kelly demands, "Hang up before you humiliate yourself any further." "Nobody babysits that much," Brenda agrees, giggling. Brandon takes Brenda's cue: "Come on, Melissa: nobody babysits that much. If you don't want to go out with me, why don't you just say so?" Braying at her angrily works, apparently, and he hangs up happy, saying that she told him she'd find a replacement. "You totally busted her," Kelly crows. "My brother, the stud," says Brenda, a little too excitedly, as usual.

And then, it's time for the date. Brandon knocks and leans against Melissa's doorway; he's really not sufficiently embarrassed when Melissa's mother comes to the door and sees this cocky jerk waiting to take out her daughter.

 

 

Melissa appears, but before she leaves, she nervously asks her mother if she's sure this is all right. Mrs. Coolidge tells her to go ahead and have a good time.

In the car, there is banter, none of it particularly worth noting until Melissa tests, "You really don't know anything about me?" He doesn't. "You never heard of me?" Brandon promises that the first time he ever saw her was three days ago, sitting under his favorite tree. No, it's HER favorite tree. This is the best you can do for screwball romantic comedy? Melissa really can't fathom that her reputation hasn't preceded her: "There's a lot about me you don't know, Brandon." "Shock me." "Maybe later."

Chez Walsh, this radio business continues.

Downstairs, Jim is playing Scrabble with Cindy when he remembers he needs to check in with a client. When he gets the phone, though, Brenda's on it, and yells at him to get off. Jim asks whether he's going to have to put in a second line (which: seriously, why don't they try to win this contest from Kelly's, since she certainly would have her own line). But Cindy says the kids will be away at college soon enough. I guess they just won't use the phone themselves for the next year and a half.

Anyway, Brenda does get through, and in the car, Brandon is WAY too excited to hear Brenda's voice coming out of his radio.

 

 

Brenda's room. Brenda and Kelly run down the list of the past several songs the radio station just played, including "Can't Touch This" by friend of the site MC Hammer.

But no. Back to Brenda's room, where she learns what she's won: "Skydiving lessons for two!"

And in the car, Brandon cracks up: "Brenda's scared to death of heights!"

Apparently nothing interesting happened on the date, because then we're back in Melissa's driveway. "You know, I feel like I'm deceiving you or something," she says. "I mean, I thought everyone at school knew." "Knew what?" Well, why doesn't he come inside.

And then, we're in a nursery. "Brandon, this is Joey," says Melissa. "Your little brother!" says Brandon. Cut to Joey.

 

 

I guess we'll give Melissa the benefit of the doubt that the world didn't know this yet. Or, they're foreshadowing Melissa's ambivalence about parenthood by showing how she's trying to kill her child? Anyway, Brandon doesn't get it -- she has to help take care of Joey or something? "Or something. Joey's not my brother, he's my son." Brandon is way too shocked about this.

 

 

YES BRANDON, THIS HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR IS NOT A VIRGIN.

Chez Walsh, Cindy tells Brenda she is NOT going skydiving. Brenda totally ignores this prohibility and makes a beeline straight to Jim, who points out that she won't even go on a roller coaster, but now she wants to jump out of a plane? Brenda explains this change of heart by saying she won something! Cindy asks what if she had won a two-week trip to Siberia? Brenda claims that she would go, just to see what it was like. Whatever: Brandon comes home. Brenda tells him to guess what happened. Something to do with MC Hammer and skydiving? He heard?! "There I was -- my most intimate moment, getting ready to make my move -- and who's on the radio? My sister." First of all, your parents are present. Second, everything we've seen of you and Brenda so far suggests YOU WOULD LOVE THAT. Brenda is excited that "everyone" heard her win this contest, and that she has GOT to claim her prize. Jim shakes his head. Brandon says that the prize sounds more like a punishment, and heads upstairs, asking Brenda to come with him so he can talk to her.

Upstairs. "SHE HAS A BABY?!"

 

 

Brandon says that he was probably the only person in school who didn't know. One of the only two people, Brenda corrects him. She peppers him with questions. Who's the father? Is she getting married? What do her parents think? How does she handle having a baby and going to school? Brandon doesn't know, and finally suggests that Brenda go out with Melissa and ask her all these questions. Brenda gingerly asks whether Brandon is going to ask her out again. Brandon doesn't know that either.

WBH, the next day. Steve gives Brandon the Melissa backstory: she was going out with a Frank Seltzer (really?), another senior. Great couple -- and then. "Most girls'll take care of the problem, Brandon, but Melissa decided she wanted to keep the baby." Classy! "Maybe to her it wasn't a problem." "Maybe Frank didn't want to be a dad!" "Well, maybe Frank should have paid more attention in sex education class!" "What are you saying -- it's all his fault?" Brandon says it's not a question of fault -- just reality. Steve shoots back that Brandon needs a reality check: if he keeps going out with Melissa, it's going to be "nothing but problems." Brandon sarcastically thanks Steve for helping him to put things in perspective, which of course Steve takes literally. Brandon takes off. Steve asks where he's going. To find Melissa and ask her out again! Hero!

Elsewhere: Melissa is looking at a C- on her latest paper. She's just crumpled it up in dismay and shoved it in her pocket when a couple of her friends -- one with lines, one without -- come by. Speaking Friend asks how Melissa's week has been. Melissa interprets the question as not being about her at all, and offers that she finally has "him" on formula, so she doesn't have to keep running home at lunch and feeling like a cow. But Joey's good -- they should come see him. Her friends are polite, but obviously not interested. Melissa then goes rooting through her things, looking for a photo of Joey that no one asked for. Speaking Friend asks whether she's still thinking about going to Harvard. Melissa says she is, and explains that they have special housing for families. Seriously, Speaking Friend could not possibly care less, while Non-Speaking Friend is either a worse actress, didn't get any direction, or won this role in a radio contest. I mean, honestly.

 

 

Melissa asks what they're doing later. Of course, they're going shopping on Melrose, and insincerely invite her to come. She wants to, but she can't. "Too bad," shrugs Speaking Friend. Melissa yells after Speaking Friend to call her, but Speaking Friend doesn't even turn around. Why did she start a conversation in the first place? Shut up, Speaking Friend. And you, Melissa: have some other interests, for God's sake. Not everyone is as fascinated by your progeny as you are biologically conditioned to be.

Chez Walsh. In the foyer, Brandon's getting ready to go out with Melissa. Brenda needles him that it's "getting serious," but Brandon hedges, "Two dates is HARDLY serious." Where's she going? Brandon has to swear not to tell Cindy: Brenda and Kelly have their first skydiving lesson. Brandon: "You're nuts." Brenda, delightedly: "Maybe!" She takes off: "Have a good time with the mom." Cindy: "What are we doing?" "Nothing, Mom," sniffs Brandon, rude as usual.

And then, it's skydiving class. The video the students are watching depicts a solo jump, as if anyone does that her first time out. Brenda is plainly terrified, while Kelly looks excited, and eye-flirts with the Christopher Reeve-looking instructor, Don. He promises that they prepare them with lots of on-the-ground simulation. Kelly: "I could simulate anything with this guy." Brenda agrees that he's cute. Don says he's going to teach them all the skills they'll need for their big jump on Sunday. Brenda is going to be sick. Kelly tells her to quit being a baby.

Speaking of babies: to Melissa's! Does Brandon know of any nice NOISY places for dinner?

Of course: The Peach Pit. Melissa apologizes that Joey has crashed their date; her parents are out of town, and the only sitter she trusts is coming over the next day for her Harvard interview. Brandon: "It's an experience." That must make Melissa feel wonderful! "Things must be pretty jammin' at the Coolidge household," adds Brandon. What? I thought that meant "hot." It did in "Save the Last Dance"! What did it mean in 1991? I can't tell from my context clues! We'll never know, because Brandon is barrelling forward with the intrusive questions. For instance: how are her parents with this? Very supportive. When she told them she wanted to have Joey, they were right there for her. "Hey, I'm all for it," says Brandon magnanimously, which must come as an enormous relief to Melissa. What made her decide to "keep him"? Brandon. Seriously. SHUT UP. "I guess I felt I had to take responsibility for my actions," says Melissa, in a line Dattilo manages not to deliver in a way that makes her sound like a contestant in a Christian beauty pageant. "And my parents supported my choice." But you can't let society make rules for you, she adds; you have to live by your own. Uh, is it society's rule that women NOT have babies? Oh -- she means no one's going to tell her that just because she has a baby, she can't go to Harvard. And then Joey drops his bowl behind the counter, and Nat comes over to have baby time. He guesses that Joey is Melissa's brother, and she pleasantly corrects him. Then Nat thinks that BRANDON is Joey's father! The idea! Brandon asks if Nat thinks he's the kind of guy who could keep a secret like that. Nat relents, saying that Joey is better-looking. And if you thought this conversational derailment would mean that Brandon would drop the rude and nosy questions, think again -- this next one is both, and also ignorant: "So what was it like when he just popped out and you saw him for the first time?" Um, it's your second date. Quit thinking about her babymaker, dude. Melissa corrects him: "First of all, Brandon, he did not just 'pop out.'" Does he really want to know what having a baby is like? "It's like jumping off a cliff." Sometimes hearing about other people's babies is like jumping off a cliff.

Chez Walsh. Brandon comes home and asks Jim and Cindy how they ever handled having two babies at the same time. Obviously, they ask where this is coming from, so Brandon finally gets around to telling them about Melissa's baby: "His name's Joey and he's a holy terror." Yeah, he's horrible, all wanting attention and barely being able to hold his head up. Anyway, Brandon drops this bombshell and then is like, "Well, see ya!" so Cindy has to ask, "What do you mean, Melissa has a baby?" Brandon: "I mean last year she got pregnant, and instead of having an abortion or putting him up for adoption, she's raising him at home." Wow, what a beautiful story -- particularly the part about the abortion she didn't have. Cindy doesn't respond, so Brandon flips to braying jackass mode. It looks like this:

 

 

And it sounds like this: "Her parents are totally supportive, Mom. If they don't have a problem with it, I don't see why you should." That's your MOM. Watch your mouth, fool. Cindy's like, no one said I had a problem, idiot, it's just a surprise, which you obviously know or you would have told us after your LAST date. (I'm paraphrasing. Anyway, Cindy marvels at all Melissa does, saying that it was hard enough for Cindy when she was in her twenties. Hey, Jim says, it's hard enough for him now! It's not the same! Whatever, Brandon puts a button on the scene: "I really like Melissa, but if I never see that kid again, it'll be too soon, you know what I mean?" Yeah, it...doesn't really work like that.

The next morning, we're in Brandon's room. He's sleeping flat on his back in this totally unnatural way, like a vampire in a coffin.

 

 

I assume it's a defensive measure to ensure he doesn't muss his hair. Anyway, there's a knock, and then Cindy tells him that Melissa's there.

Brandon staggers downstairs. Surprise, Melissa has a babysitting emergency! Wisely, she takes off before he can argue with her. Since Brandon thinks that babies just "pop out" and that he can date a teen mother without ever seeing her son again, I am going to go out on a limb and say this afternoon is going to be a raging success!

After commercials, Cindy plays with Joey while Brandon sits there uselessly some more.

 

 

It's been like five minutes and he's already acting like he's got plans to Susan Smith the kid or something. He catches up Cindy on Melissa's Harvard interview and the babysitter who went MIA: "You guys'll help, right?" Jim comes downstairs, smiles at Cindy getting all cozy with the baby, and reminds her that they have to go to this brunch with one of his clients. Yay, that sounds fun for Cindy. But Cindy's still cooing at the baby, of course, so Brandon says that he doesn't want to break up "this little lovefest": "We'll go with you!" Nice try. Cindy tells Brandon to get Brenda to help him. But of course, after they leave, Brenda comes down and, though she's excited to meet Joey, she has another skydiving lesson. Which she mimes, thusly.

 

 

Brenda's jeans are so very high. Why did we wear those? Weren't we uncomfortable with our belts around our sternums? Anyway, Brandon tries to get Brenda to stay by psyching herself out about skydiving, but she's out.

Outside, in the driveway, Kelly and Steve coincidentally arrive at the same time. Brenda comes out, joking that Brandon's having a hard time adjusting to fatherhood. No one gets it, until Brandon comes running out, Joey in tow, desperately offering to pay Brenda to stay. Kelly gets all atwitter over how cute Brandon looks with the baby, but Steve is not so impressed, asking what "it" is doing there; he and Brandon were supposed to watch the Lakers game. Brandon makes one final last-ditch attempt to get Brenda to stay by means of a veiled threat to rat out her skydiving to their parents, but Brenda stands firm, saying that she has to face her fears. Kelly tells her she should stay, but Brenda correctly guesses that Kelly's just trying to hog Don all to herself. Kelly dodges this accusation by asking to hold Joey. Steve mutters that their baby would be cuter, like anyone wants to see that. Brenda jokes about the "proud parents," but Steve and Kelly are both quick to deny that such a tableau is in their future: "Thank God for safe sex," says Kelly. "Hallelujah," Steve agrees. Kelly hands Joey back to Brandon, saying that his diaper needs changing. (Joey's, not Brandon's, though Brandon really is being a baby.) But, wah, Brandon doesn't know how to change a diaper! Brenda asks if he hasn't seen "Three Men and a Baby"?

So then we're inside, where Steve is on the phone, trying to rent "Three Men and a Baby," while Brandon runs uselessly back and forth with a bottomless Joey.

 

 

You've seen diaper comedy before, so this is...some more. Normally, this is where I would get all high and mighty about how easy it is to change a diaper, but earlier this year I was visiting my adorable and perfect niece Olivia, and tried to help my sister out by changing Olivia's diaper, and apparently there has been new technology in diapering since I was a babysitter, and now you have to, like, snap the leg holes around the baby's butt to keep it snug, and I didn't know that, and, long story short, Olivia ended up with poop in her socks. But enough about my incompetence. Steve: "Can you imagine doing this for real?" "Maybe someday, in the far, far future, after I've done everything else," snorts Brandon. He really is talking like there is a clamor for his offspring among the ladies of his acquaintance, which I am fairly sure there is not. Steve claims that when he was dating Kelly, she used to talk about their hypothetical babies all the time: "'Course, she'd be the one who'd bring it up."

"No, STEVE is the one who fantasized about having kids," says Kelly at the skydiving lesson. "Can you imagine him as a father?" I'm just getting over food poisoning, so I would rather not. Brenda makes weird point about how "unfair" it is that Melissa is already a mom and Brenda has to sneak around just for a skydiving lesson, like she thinks if she had a baby she'd be jumping out of planes in the full view of the community? "I bet she did her fair share of sneaking around in order to become a mom," notes Kelly. "He looks even more gorgeous today," says Kelly, getting an eyeful of Don. "Yeah, I'd like to sneak around with him," drawls Brenda. Uh, Dylan? Your boyfriend? Figure out your airdate order, show!

Chez Walsh, Joey is still crying. There is diaper comedy.

 

 

There is baby food comedy.

 

 

There is no laughter.

At skydiving class, Don tells Brenda to jump, and hit the ground rolling. "But it's so high!" Brenda protests. And then we flip into a WWII fantasy, in which Don tells her, "So are the stakes...And if you survive, we'll go to a nice, romantic French bistro for dinner. On me." Brenda is inspired!

 

 

And then in her present reality, she jumps onto a mat from off, like, a chair. Does she need more help with her forward movement? Don asks. Kelly says she does. (It's a metaphor!)

Chez Walsh, Joey's calmed down, and it's time for the basketball game. But the cable's out again! Steve suggests that they watch at his house, but duh, Brandon can't leave. Steve takes off, and Brandon gives Joey a spoonful of ice cream. It's all very companionable, until the doorbell rings. Brandon finally gets it and steps aside for Melissa, who enters in an obviously foul mood. She ignores Brandon and heads straight for Joey, but soon enough, she has to acknowledge him...in order to give him hell. Was Joey eating ice cream? Brandon says he was. How disgusted is Melissa? This disgusted.

 

 

Melissa demands to know how Brandon could be so irresponsible. Brandon brays back that she's the one who dumped Joey on him with no notice. Melissa's face starts to crumple. Brandon can't guess what's wrong with her, because he is neither sensitive nor bright, but duh, her interview sucked. The interviewer was a "conservative jerk" who had "serious doubts" that she could handle Harvard with a baby. She sighs, "I think I made a mistake in deciding to be a mom." No one talks like that! "Deciding to be a mom"? "Deciding to have a baby," maybe, but...God, ANYWAY, Brandon says that Melissa is too hard on herself, but she doesn't agree: "You don't understand. My mom went to Harvard; she expects me to go there too." But if her grades keep dropping, she might as well give up. Brandon unhelpfully says that his grades dropped when he got to West Beverly, too, because that's the same. "You were the new kid for a minute!" squeals Melissa. "I'm the new mom forever." She leaves. Brandon, left alone, knows that he sucks, and he tries to run after her, but after waiting just long enough to make sure he won't catch her today.

Chez Walsh, the next morning. Brandon staggers out to the bathroom to find Brenda standing on the edge of the tub. She sheepishly explains that Don told her to practice; she figures skydiving will be like this, but more. Brandon yells at her about crumpling the funny pages or some damn thing, but Brenda's not impressed by his temper fit, and Brandon instantly admits that he's just feeling guilty about Melissa. Brenda says she admires Melissa; Brenda has a hard enough time being a teenager; Melissa has to worry about "real things." And then Cindy's there, pitching the kids on a family day: a trip to the zoo! Lady, they can drive. It's not happening. Jim explains that Cindy's still in "nesting mode" after getting a whiff of Joey the day before. "Well, you two guys'll be flying off so soon," sighs Cindy. "Sooner than you think," says Brenda, guiltily. She claims she's going to Kelly's to study, while Brandon says that he needs Cindy's car to go "straighten something out." The parents leave, and Brenda reminds us AGAIN that she's been lying to them about skydiving, in case we forgot from the other fifteen times she's said it in this episode. Also, she thinks of a way for Brandon to make up with Melissa.

Cut to Brandon on Melissa's doorstep, with a rattle bouquet. That's Brenda's great idea? Wait, IT WORKS?! Melissa suggests that they go for a drive.

And then, driving. Brandon asks some dopey question about what it was like for Joey in the womb, because he can't tell that Melissa is not in a baby mood. She asks if he ever wanted to make a turn...like the next one in the road? He's always wanted to. "Do it, Brandon!" She used to be so scared she couldn't find her way back, but not anymore. She feels like doing something so crazy. So Brandon has to one-up her by saying that Brenda and Kelly are probably jumping out of a plane right now.

And, he's almost right.

 

 

They're at 12,000 feet. Brenda says that she almost puked when she went up the Empire State Building, and that was 11,000 feet lower than that. Standing at the open hatch on the side of the plane, she says that Kelly might have to make this a solo mission. Kelly: "No way, Brenda, I'm not leaving you up here with Don Juan!" Kelly goads Brenda into jumping by telling Don she wants to sign up for a private flight: "Sorry, Bren -- three's a crowd." If Kelly is so jump-crazy, suggests Brenda, then why doesn't she go, and Brenda and Don can watch her! Kelly and Brenda struggle in the doorway, because that's totally safe, as Don, the worst skydiving instructor ever, just stands there.

 

 

Of course, Brenda and Kelly fall out together and end up diving part of the way with their arms locked, as they have not learned to do.

In the car with Brandon and Melissa, it's dark out. Brandon asks whether they should head back. Melissa: "No, let's go further." You guys, I don't think she's talking about the drive! She undoes her seatbelt -- safety issue! -- and starts macking on Brandon.

 

 

Brandon sort of chuckles that Melissa's making it hard...for him to drive. "So stop driving," she says, matter-of-factly. Brandon stops the car and jovially tells her that she's not acting like herself, because this is the fourth time he's been in her company, so he would know. Melissa wistfully says that she wants to be anybody else right now: "Let's get really lost. Stay up all night. Watch the sun rise." "Sounds like a nice fantasy," Brandon condescends. "We could do it if we want to," breathes Melissa. "You have Joey," Brandon reminds her. "Who are you, his father?" snaps Melissa. Well, that was a nice moment. She says that she feels guilty enough about Joey, whether she's with him or not. When you have a baby, no one treats you like an autonomous person. Dude, your friends were trying to talk to you and you kept volunteering information about your kid when no one asked! Sometimes we bring heartache on ourselves. Melissa: "Just once, I would like to be a teenaged girl, and not a damn baby machine." You kiss your son with that mouth? They hug, but then she shoves Brandon away and orders him to take her home.

Chez Walsh. In their room, Jim and Cindy are doing a crossword when Brenda appears at the door and confesses about her skydiving adventure. Jim half-heartedly starts to get mad about it (while Cindy looks quietly impressed), but Brenda says that, after staring at death, admitting this is easy. However, she feels bad that she lied. She starts to go, but Cindy calls her back to ask how it was. And it was great! Kids: lie to your parents. Turns out it's worth it.

Later, Brandon opens the door for Melissa, who enters, looking rough and carrying Joey and a bunch of his gear. They had nowhere to go. Her parents said she stayed out late deliberately and screwed up her mom's meeting with a new client. "More guilt," sighs Brandon. "Just what you need, right?" Save it, Oprah. Brandon offers to take Joey for a little while. Melissa: "As much as I don't want to, I think I'm going to have to give him up." You can just...do that? What, you're going to take him to the baby pound?"I just don't think I can make my dreams come true with him." ...Yeah, now's not the time to make that decision. "I just wasn't prepared for all this." Brandon: "I know what you mean. I do." YOU DON'T. "At first, I thought Joey was a royal pain in the butt. But now I see that this baby stuff is amazing." I really don't know where to begin with THAT, but I'm pretty sure one afternoon of babysitting doesn't qualify a person to make assessments about parenting. "I can even see myself doing it!" Brandon offers. "In ten years, right?" Melissa snaps. Dude, come on, do you want him trying to help raise your kid now? He doesn't even have pectorla muscles and he's four foot three. Anyway, the Walshes come downstairs. Cindy, seeing that Melissa is upset, very nicely asks if everything's okay. Melissa stalks off to the living room, and Cindy goes after her, so that maybe she'll get SOME decent advice today.

"I used to chain-read before Joey," says Melissa, regarding the extremely fake-looking leather-bound books that line the Walsh living room. Cindy tells her about a study she read, where two professional football players spent a day taking a couple of toddlers. The football players collapsed before the toddlers! And the point of that study was...? "You mean it gets harder?" asks Melissa despondently. "And better. You watch them grow and achieve. They become part of your dreams." But Cindy wasn't a mother at 17, Melissa points out. (And didn't have any dreams, as far as we can tell, I would add.) "But I was young enough," says Cindy. Melissa says she thought she could do everything. Cindy: "No one can do everything. The question is, what do you want?"

At school, Brandon finds Melissa at their favorite tree. Is he in time for the concert? Har. Melissa says that she was up all up all night with Joey, who said "Mama" -- or "Maaaaaaa." She can't stay for lunch; she has to get home. Is something wrong? No, something's very right. She's worked out a half-time schedule at school. And Harvard? It's been there hundreds of years, she says; it can wait another semester. "So you're going to keep Joey," says Brandon, idiotically. "He's a part of me," says Melissa happily. Brandon suggests dinner Friday night, the three of them? Wow, you guys, he's really come around! Melissa suggests a rain check; she and Joey need to hang out, just the two of them. "I get visitation rights, okay?" Brandon oversteps. "You bet," says Melissa, wandering off. You...will lose that bet. You will never see her again.