Are you ready to learn some shocking things about teen drinking? No? Too bad. This is happening.

We open at West Beverly, where the girls are talking about guys and their cars for no reason that ever comes up again in this episode. I don't know. Why we couldn't just start with the actually germane information that Donna's parents just went to Cabo San Lucas (which seems a bit trashy for the Felice Martin we will eventually come to know and love, but whatever), so she's having a party: "Strictly A-list." Can Brenda bring Dylan? Kelly tells Donna to make sure to change the sheets in the guest house! I guess Donna wasn't a virgin queen yet at this point and could stand to hear this sort of bawdy talk. But seriously, Kelly says Brenda should bring Dylan; a party can always use another cute guy. (If Steve is coming, Brenda should bring two cute guys just to keep the average up.) David and Scott walk by in time to overhear this "cute guy" business, and David gets all needlessly excited about the party. Scott says the obvious, which is that Kelly didn't mean David. David complains about Scott's negativity. He'll miss that negativity one day!

Dylan's at his locker when Brenda comes over and invites him to the party. He tells her that he just made plans to surf Baja that weekend. Brenda gets all flirty-pouty that he would rather do that than spend time with her at a boring teenaged approximation of an adult standing-around party (I'm paraphrasing). He asks if she wants to come on his surf trip, and she surmises that he hates parties. Dylan, of course, confirms that he's better "one-on-one." We get it. But apparently Brenda doesn't: "Any 'one' in particular?" He'll take her next weekend for sure. "It's a date," says Brenda. Down the hall, Kelly and Donna look on, all atwitter, like Dylan is this super-awesome "get" for the party and not just some guy they've known since they were in kindergarten. Brenda is embarrassed that she isn't more enticing a weekend prospect than surfing.

Chez Walsh, Brandon's lying on his bed, worthlessly tossing up and catching a basketball, when Brenda enters to show us all the bizarre proportions of her outfit.

 

 

Brenda doesn't want to go to this party alone, and is trying to talk Brandon into going. Brandon reminds her that he already said he would drive her, but she insists that he has to come in. She wheedles that he can just stay for ten minutes; if he completely hates it, they can leave. What if he only partially hates it, Brandon wants to know? In that case, he has to stay an hour. Brenda reminds him that he was just saying, that very morning, that he's bored and in a rut. In response, Brandon brays that everything is "so Beverly Hills." Well...yeah? Brenda tries to change his mind on the party subject by kissing him a bunch of times on the cheek...?

 

 

...which, if you are a girl who actually tries to convince your brother to do things by using this technique, I'm calling the police. He tells her to save it for the party (weirder). Brenda says that's why she needs Brandon there -- to protect her. Okay, WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS TALKING ABOUT? Whatever, Brandon's going to think about it.

In their room, Jim is telling Cindy about the fancy hotel in Palm Springs where his corporate retreat is being held next week. There's some typical old-person banter about how sexy hotels are, which leads to the kissing that will gross out the kids when they appear at the door. There's some more exposition about the trip, but when Brenda says she wants to go, she's told it's all business. That's not really how the Walshes were acting, but whatever: will the kids mind being left on their own next weekend? They think they can handle it.

And then, we're at Donna's party. Steve is making fruity blender drinks as the Walshes enter. Brenda readily accepts a glass (the better to get her plastered and let her explain away her hair and outfit tragedies -- not that Kelly looks much better)...

 

 

...and of course, she likes it. Steve offers Brandon a mango margarita, but Brandon refuses, and asks for a Coke instead. Steve starts to give him crap for his teetotaling; some dude we've never seen before and whose name we never learn guesses that Brandon's scared there's a "wild man" lurking in him. Kelly tells Steve to leave Brandon alone (because THAT'S not emasculating), and Steve offers to make Brandon a virgin margarita instead, which Brandon accepts. Steve makes all kinds of mischievous faces to himself about the intoxicants he is obviously planning to put in Brandon's drink, presumably in order to mollify Brandon to future romantic advances Steve intends to make later on?

Elsewhere, Brenda says she thought Kelly didn't drink. "My mother drinks. I sip." Spoken like a true boozehound.

Back at the bar, No-Name cracks that Brandon is a buzzkill. "Not for long," says Steve confidently, liberally filling the blender with liquor. "He's going to taste that," warns No-Name. "No, he won't," says Steve, dumping sugar on top. Oh, Brandon. If you fall for this ruse, you had better never go to Spring Break, or date rape will be the least of your problems and you'll be lucky if you don't end up murdered.

Waiting very patiently for his drink, Brandon messes around with some crudites before looking up and seeing this.

 

 

And then I think I must have the chronology of the episode wrong, because Brandon must be drunk if what he's seeing at this high-school party is a hallucination straight out of a David Lynch movie. But no: Steve brings over the "virgin" margarita, "for the man who doesn't drink." "What can I say? I just don't like the taste." Steve, downing his, says he doesn't either. Brandon tastes his. He likes it! Uh oh.

Later, Brenda looks out to the patio and sees Brandon standing alone. When she goes out to check in with him, he immediately makes with the judging, asking how many drinks she's had. She says it's her second, "MOM." When she asks why he isn't having a real drink, he says he's the "designated mom." Brenda reminds him that it's a party -- they're allowed to have fun. "Half an hour," says Brandon. Brenda tells him to loosen up. And not to shut up, though she could also do that.

Later still, the girls are tipsy enough to be giggling together over nothing in particular. Steve freshens Brandon's drink. Brandon anxiously checks that it's from the virgin batch, and Steve dodges, "Same as before." Everyone laughs, because Brandon is the only sap here. "Did you spike my drink?" he demands, finally getting it. Steve protests that they just wanted him to have fun, but Brandon is SCANDALIZED and wants to leave immediately. Brenda doesn't want to go, so the awkwardness of the moment is prolonged. No-Name urges everyone to let Brandon go, since he's ruining the party, which certainly seems to be the case.

 

 

Donna, at least, tells him to stay. Steve, actually looking upset, apologizes to Brandon, and says that the margarita thing was just a dumb joke. Brandon finally looks around, gets embarrassed, and submits to all the peer pressure.

 

 

Principles are for chumps!

Even later on still, Brenda nurses her cocktail alone, watching Steve and Kelly canoodling on the stairs...

 

 

...and then disappearing upstairs together. For some reason, she is pleased by this development. Like, majorly.

 

 

I choose to believe that it's because she's already planning on giving Kelly crap for this later. Then she looks over at the foyer, where Brandon is dancing with Elbow-Length Gloves.

 

 

This is how you can really tell Brandon is wasted: as we will hear over and over throughout the years, Brandon Doesn't Dance. You can tell how out-of-character it is by Brenda's (awesome) reaction.

 

 

Finally, Brenda and Brandon arrive home. Brandon is already driving DRUNK, you guys? Or at least tipsy (and possibly molested by Steve). Brenda still can't get over the Steve/Kelly hookup, but Brandon is unsurprised: "All women want is sex." Where did that come from? Brenda, this is why you never should have kissed him. They make it out of the car without incident, though Brandon has to shush Brenda in the driveway: "You know Mom's sitting on the sofa, reading that same book she was reading when we were in eighth grade."

And, of course, she is. Brenda and Brandon get inside, maintaining their composure fairly well. Brandon quickly heads upstairs, and Brenda grins, "It is so cute how you still wait up for us." Cindy starts to deny waiting up for them, but decides to drop it, and asks how the party was. Brenda says that it was fun, and then...

 

 

Rookie mistake! Brenda skips upstairs, oblivious to the fact that Cindy has obviously smelled the liquor on her breath. A Mother's Disappointment:

 

 

So Cindy goes straight to the master bedroom, where she wakes up a dozing Jim to tell him Brenda's all drunk. "You know how Brandon feels about drinking. Brenda's the one who's impressionable." Come on, now. Both your children are sheep. They resolve to talk to Brenda in the morning, though they're not sure what they're going to say. Jim tries to act all cool, but when he rolls over, we see the truth. A Father's Stark Terror:

 

 

In the morning, Brenda bounces down to the kitchen, not a care in the world, repeating that she wishes she could go to Palm Springs (next week, remember, so why are they talking about it now?) and saying that if they see Sonny Bono, they have to get his autograph. (Too soon!) Jim and Cindy have just been sitting around in their tennis whites, waiting to yell at Brenda, so when they come and loom over her at the kitchen island it's like they're in their scolding uniforms.

 

 

Jim gravely intones that Cindy smelled liquor on Brenda's breath the night before. "I had one sip of somebody's margarita," Brenda lies (easily and well, for the record). "They were serving LIQUOR at this party?!" Jim explodes. Uh, isn't that better than if Brenda was drinking out of her hip flask? Brenda snips that he must have drunk liquor when he was a teenager, and Jim cops to having taken some beer runs to Wisconsin, but that was when the legal drinking age was 18. Brenda thinks that Jim and Cindy are making a big deal out of nothing, but when they insist that it IS a big deal, Brenda snaps, "Fine. Point made. I'm sorry." This lie is less convincing (and is also the kind of sassmouth that would have gotten me grounded when I was her age), but it's a good exit line for Brenda to stomp away on, passing Brandon without a word. Brandon asks if he missed something, and his parents anxiously ask whether he knew Brenda was drinking at the party. As Brenda spies in the background, Brandon covers, "I think she had one drink, yeah." He knows the rules! Walsh kids are not allowed to drink! "I probably should have said something to her, but I didn't think it would do any good," Brandon condescends. Jim stresses that when they're away, next week, they really need him to "hold down the fort and keep better tabs." They leave for their tennis match, leaving Brandon to face Brenda's judgment. "You didn't tell 'em anything about me, huh?" Brandon surmises. "You owe me one," Brenda declares.

And then, it's next week, and Jim and Cindy are getting ready to leave for their trip. There's friendlyish banter about which twin will look out for whom, until Cindy says that they can look out for each other, and that they should remember the rules. GET OUT, OLD PEOPLE.

At school, Steve tells Kelly to call him, as though their hookup had happened yesterday and not, as I just said, last week. Kelly says that Steve has been bugging her ever since the party. Donna asks what she thought was going to happen when she went to the bedroom with him. Kelly, ruefully: "Fifteen minutes of fun. A lifetime of regret." That's Steve in a nutshell. Although 15 is about 12 more minutes than I would have expected. Brenda tells the story about Cindy smelling booze on her breath (LAST WEEK!), and that she almost didn't get left alone that weekend. As soon as Donna and Kelly get wind of the fact that the Walsh parents are going out of town (HAVE THESE PEOPLE NOT HAD A CONVERSATION SINCE THE PARTY?!), Kelly asks what time they should tell people to come over. Brenda says that Brandon will wet-blanket any potential party plans. Kelly offers to work on him, but Brenda says she'll talk to him first. And by the way, I would like to make fun of Brenda's sweater...

 

 

...but I totally had it in turquoise.

And then, Palm Springs. Jim and Cindy are making out when the door to the adjoining room opens up (this would never happen in a real hotel FOR OBVIOUS REASONS) and are confronted by Bob Barnett from the Houston office, and his terrifying and definitely bewigged wife Trudy. They are Texasly obnoxious, as you would expect.

Chez Walsh. There's some dumb business about food before Brandon exposits that Jim and Cindy have been gone ten whole hours and have managed not to call home. Brenda says that's because they know Mr. Responsible is on the case, before casually adding, "Did I mention to you that we're having a party here this weekend?" "Forget it," says Brandon immediately. Brenda protests that they will keep it "strictly A-list, like Donna did." How did No-Name get in, then? Brandon wants to know what if Jim and Cindy find out, but Brenda says that she and Brandon will clean everything up before they get home: "Besides, I already told Kelly to spread the word." Brandon: "Well, tell her to un-spread it." EASIER SAID THAN DONE, as Steve could readily tell him. Brenda: ""Brandon, it's OUR TURN." Again -- and it really distresses me that I have to keep repeating this -- you are not a couple. Brenda blahs on about the Beverly Hills tradition of throwing a party when your parents go out of town (I think that's a teenager tradition, actually), and that it will put them on the map, but when that doesn't work, she guesses, "You're worried about people drinking, aren't you? The rules thing." He says that it crossed his mind. Brenda points out that THEY don't have to drink: "Other people can do what they want. They don't have the same rules we do." Brandon says that he promised Jim and Cindy they'd be good. Brenda reminds him that he owes her one. She finally needles him right where it hurts by asking whether he doesn't ever get tired of always trying to do the right thing. In fact? He does. So what's he afraid of? And the party is on.

Palm Springs. Jim and Cindy exposit that they've been avoiding the Barnetts -- who, of course, bust in again -- now in their dinner finery...

 

 

...just as Jim is macking on Cindy. The reason to explain why this intrusion is even possible (Jim: "We have got to get that lock fixed") does not work on me. ANYWAY, the Barnetts have champagne, and Trudy has a lovely story about her wobbly toilet seat. Is she talking too much? She doesn't say half the things she thinks. But one of the things she's thinking of is coming out to visit Jim and Cindy after the retreat. Wouldn't that be a HOOT? Awkward laughter.

School. Brenda tells Kelly that Brandon agreed to the party after all, if they keep the guest list to fewer than 25 people. Kelly says that's fine, as long as they meet their quota of cute guys -- which, again, is all a passing David overhears, causing him to vow to attend this party. Kelly directs Brenda over to Dylan. She asks him about their plans that night, and Dylan says he's at her disposal. Brenda says that her parents are away. Dylan: "Really...?" So she's having a party! Dylan: "Really." Speaking of sweaters I had: I also had...um, Dylan's.

 

 

Elsewhere, Andrea trails Brandon down the hall: she has tickets to see "a comedy from New York." There's a super-awkward pause as Brandon decides how to tell Andrea why he can't go, and finally says that there's going to be a party at his house that night. He covers, "It's Brenda's gig, but you're more than welcome." Andrea obviously is dying to go to a party at the home of her beloved, if not for these damn theater tickets! But she could stop by. There is dorking out.

Chez Walsh. Brandon is putting pretzels in a bowl when Brenda comes downstairs, and I guess she decided to bag the party and go take a job interview instead?

 

 

No, she decided to wear that for the party. Not that Brandon looks much better with his tie and BRACELET. He checks with Brenda as to how many people she's expecting to show up. She says that Kelly invited nine or ten people, and she asked six, so not too many.

Ironic cut to "not too many."

 

 

Duh, this is why you don't throw parties, you just go to them! Brenda says they can get rid of SOME of these people. Brandon doesn't see how. And then I guess they just give up on the idea.

Among the crashers are David and Scott. David can't believe he's there, but Scott mopes that the same people who ignore him at school are now ignoring him in a private home, so big whoop.

Steve cuts through with a pitcher of some other fruity drink.

 

 

Brenda grabs Kelly to yell at her for the guest list snafu, and Kelly admits that she invited a few people from Beverly High. Brenda reminds Kelly that she had also said she wouldn't drink, and Kelly repeats her "drink/sip" line: "There's a difference." Brenda tartly tells her that there actually isn't. Kelly tries to throw it back on Brenda, but Brenda actually isn't drinking: she and Brandon made a pact. Kelly's like, "Oh, really?" And sure enough, there's Brandon on the stairs, tipping back a beer. Brandon is the worst. Brenda is about to go give him the gears, but she gets intercepted by Dylan. Their nice moment of smooching is ruined when they both hear something break. Brenda takes off. Kids: don't throw parties.

Palm Springs. Jim and Cindy apparently ditched dinner early to avoid the Barnetts and are back in their room getting ready to go down to the pool. But Cindy has to do something first!

Chez Walsh. Brenda's in the kitchen sweeping up broken china when the phone rings. Kelly picks it up: "Party hotline! We'll make all your dreams come true." When she hears that it's Cindy, she covers (poorly) and hands off the phone to Brenda, who manages to stay on the call thanks to the 100-foot cord on the kitchen phone. Remember those?

 

 

Cindy asks Brenda about all the noise, and Brenda nervously claims that it's the stereo, and that Kelly and Donna came over. Donna actually does appear at this moment to tell Brenda about some catastrophe we don't hear. Cindy asks to speak to Brandon, and Brenda babbles that he's upstairs, and the pizza guy just got there. Somehow, Cindy buys it.

Brandon and Steve drink their fruity drink, say something in probably-fake Russian, and head-butt each other.

 

 

I was wrong before: Brandon and Steve are tied for worst. Brenda appears to yell at Brandon. She thought they had an agreement! Brandon turns it around on her, saying that first she hassled him for being a goody-goody, and now she's getting on his case for having fun. What's the deal? Brenda snaps that she'll show him what the deal is, but before she can, she parts the curtains and sees that there are cops at the door. Boo.

After commercials, Brandon struggles to regain his composure, and actually says "Don't have a cow, man" in some approximation of a Bart Simpson voice. Brenda looks at him in horror, rightly. Brandon claims they haven't done anything wrong. Brenda points out that half the kids there (conservative estimate) are drinking: "YOU'RE drinking!" Brandon orders her to let him do the talking. Brenda tries to stop his drunk ass on its way to the door. Brandon asks Dylan to tell Brenda that he's fine, and Dylan smoothly says he'll tell Brenda whatever Brandon wants, but that if the cops get a whiff of his breath, they're going to bust up the party for sure. Somehow, this means Dylan gets drafted to talk to the cops, along with Brenda.

So the cops knock again, and Brenda and Dylan step outside. When the officers ask whether her parents are home, Brenda doesn't lie, but hedges that "they'll be back." The cop correctly guesses that they'll be back Sunday night, and says they've been getting noise complaints from the neighbors. Dylan takes the blame, saying that Brenda's his cousin and she begged him not to turn the music up so loud, but that it's her birthday. The cops sarcastically wish her a happy birthday and tell her to keep it down. That the cops even showed up kind of enrages me after our summer living next to Party House and calling the cops on their unbelievably loud parties (I'm talking bands in the backyard -- with amps! After 1 AM!) that cops never even cruised past. Anyway, the cops leave. Brenda: "'Cousin'?"

Inside, the run-in with the cops evidently hasn't scared Brandon straight at all: he's in the kitchen, drinking more of Steve's fruity punch. Dylan comes in to take him aside. Brandon gets all philosophical about "letting things go," and Dylan lets him finish his dumb speech before suggesting that he stop drinking for now. Brandon suspiciously asks whether this request is coming from Dylan or from Brenda. Dylan says it's coming from him. And Brenda. And wouldn't Brandon like some coffee? Cut to the foyer, so we can see that Andrea just arrived. Brandon says that it's too late for that, and takes off to greet Andrea. Dylan wonders why he's Brandon's friend.

"A few of your friends?" jokes Andrea. Brandon says that the party is the place to be. Andrea says that he missed a great play, but Brandon yells back that he's having a great party! He offers her a drink. She asks what he's having, and he gives her a sip of "Purple Pleasure." She calls it the most awful thing she's ever tasted. But does she want to dance? She does.

Palm Springs. Hot tub. Okay, let's just get through this. Jim and Cindy are in the spa, relaxing, when the Barnetts show up. Of course, they are naked under their robes, because of course, they are swingers. Excuse me while I go try to wash off that scene. I probably need to bleach my entire head.

Chez Walsh. Here's a little time-capsule banter for you: "Kelly's as good-looking as Christie Brinkley." "Well, you're no Billy Joel." Does it matter who said what? No. David tells Scott that he WOULD ask her to dance, but that he hates this song.

Cut over to Kelly, fighting with Steve. She doesn't want to drink any more, and she doesn't want to go anywhere else in the house. Steve claims that he just wants to dance! Kelly knows that's not all he wants to do. She grabs David as a diversion, and he says he loves this song! Wah wah.

Also dancing: Andrea and Brandon. Is she glad she came? She hasn't made up her mind yet. He's glad she came. He gives her a quick, friendly peck on the lips, and then moves back in for a real (if sloppy) one.

 

 

Andrea angrily pushes him away: "Brandon, you're drunk." So? She's never seen him drunk before, and the first time she does, he kisses her. "Why do you have to edit everything I do? I'm not a newspaper article." He's finally able to "kick back" and no one can handle it. She washes her hands of him (rightly) and takes off...

...whereupon Steve and No-Name show up with empty pitcher: they're out of liquor. Do the Walsh parents have any stashed bottles? No. Time for Plan B.

Kelly and David dance. Kelly: "You're pretty good!" David: "I know."

 

 

And then he gets too into it and steps on her foot. It's a metaphor for...something. It'll come to me.

Outside, Dylan assures Brenda that she can kick everyone out whenever she wants. She suggests 12:30. Or maybe 1? What if everyone doesn't want to go? Dylan says that he'll help her clear everyone out, for his non-negotiable fee. (Smooching.) Again, the nice moment is interrupted by an unwelcome noise: it's Brandon, backing his car out of the driveway while he is waaaaaasted. Steve and No-Name are going to Steve's to get booze; Brandon is going to the market for "munchies and fruit punch." Oh dear.

So then Brandon drives: fast, distracted, and erratic. He has a near-miss when he weaves out of traffic at a stop sign, and then, of course, plows into the passenger side of a pickup truck.

Palm Springs. Cindy: "Wanna try again?" Jim: "Why beat a dead horse?" OW, MY FREAKIN' EARS! UGH. YOU ARE OLD. Jim: "Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Trudy and Bob, begging us to play Bucking Bronco." OH GOD, SERIOUSLY. The phone rings. Jim starts to make some threat about what he's going to do to the Barnetts, but it's Brenda. She's on a pay phone as she anxiously tells Cindy that Brandon was in a car accident, but that he's okay. He was driving alone, so she doesn't really know what happened. Jim and Cindy want to know where he is. And he? Is in jail. "He was arrested for drunk driving."

After commercials, we see A Son's Shame:

 

 

I guess there wasn't much going on in Beverly Hills this Friday night if Brandon gets the whole cell to himself. Also, the accident seems to have done the impossible and mussed his hair.

 

 

In the waiting room, the Walshes are mortified by all the sketchy people theoretically sharing space with their precious boy. "This isn't happening," says Cindy. She calls it her "worst nightmare." Jim: "A parent's worst nightmare is ID-ing your child at the morgue." An optimist! A cop brings Brandon out, and of course, it's awkward. He manages to ask about their retreat, but they don't bother to answer, and ask how he is. He says he's okay, except for some cuts and bruises. And then, there are hugs. Brandon sadly guesses that "they" are going to take away his license. Jim says that he can probably count on that. Brandon: "Last time I throw a party." "WHAT PARTY?!"

Well, the party that Brenda's cleaning up Chez Walsh. Basically, you're seeing the reason I never threw a party when I was in high school: Brenda trying to scrub Purple Pleasure out of a white rug. Jim and Cindy are seriously apoplectic: they are WAY more mad about this than about Brandon's drunk driving and subsequent arrest. Brenda tries to explain that the party got out of hand and that they didn't serve any liquor; people just brought it, and what were Brandon and Brenda supposed to do? Jim: "LOCK THE DOOR!" "Is that what you and your friends did when you went on your beer runs?" Brenda shoots back. Jim: "No. We went back to our FRAT HOUSE. We didn't go to our PARENTS' HOUSE when THEY WERE OUT OF TOWN." Point to the bald man. He rants on that he and Cindy can't possibly trust them again. They can't go away for a lousy weekend without the kids sneaking around and breaking the rules. "That's not fair!" squeals Brenda. "I didn't break the rules!" You see, TECHNICALLY, she didn't, because she wasn't drinking. I know in the new series that Brenda has become an actor, which is such a shame; she obviously missed her true calling as a lawyer. Jim doesn't buy it, but Brandon backs her up: "Brenda wasn't drinking, Dad. I was." Jim: "I know. I read the police report." Snap. And WHY was Brandon drinking? Now it's Brenda's turn to defend him: "You don't know how much pressure there is for guys to drink these days, Dad!" Uh, okay. But Brandon says that's not why, but he can't really explain his reasons. Cindy exposits, "Ever since you threw up at Fosters Lake, you have made a big point of telling us that drinking is stupid." Flashback episode? Please? Apparently, whatever happened then, Brandon didn't drink after that until "last night." His story is that he unwittingly drank spiked punch. Brenda blinks, but doesn't contradict him. Brandon: "And now I'm going to have a record. So I guess you could say I screwed up. I guess you could say I'm not perfect." Cindy says that nobody is. But why did he have to get behind the wheel?

Aaaaaaand ironic cut to Brandon tuning up his bike in the driveway. Brenda comes stomping out to glare at him, so Brandon tries to defuse the situation with a lame joke about turning his two-wheeler into a tandem bike -- or Brenda could try to get her own driver's license. Har har clunk. She continues to glare, so he points out that he stuck up for her this time. Brenda reminds him that nobody spiked his drink last night. Brandon says that they did at Donna's, and that since he's coming off the worst night of his life, if he needs to bend the chronology, she should cut him some slack. If her stomp-off is any indication, she does not agree.

School. Andrea heard about the accident. Brandon assures her that he's okay. He awkwardly apologizes about the aborted kiss, and she says she's just glad he's okay and probably goes off to cry in the ladies' room that he only likes her That Way when he's loaded.

And then the girls regroup. Is Brenda grounded forever? No, but she and Brandon have to pay for everything that got wrecked, so she might be babysitting until she's 45. But at least everyone's saying it was the best party of the year! I'm sure that if Jim and Cindy knew that, they would realize the turmoil was all worth it.

And then David is on the radio. "Everybody has a special song in their heart. This one's for US, Kelly." Kelly: "WHAT?" It's the song they danced to at the party, of course. Brenda: "Don't look at me -- I am OFF the party circuit." Dylan, rolling by at this moment, can't say he's sorry. "You're better one-on-one, right?" Brenda cracks. We get it. Dylan asks how Brandon is.

And then decides to find out for himself. Dylan shows up at the Peach Pit as Brandon mopes around by himself. First, we learn that there was some sort of hearing, offscreen, where Brandon learned that in three weeks, he can apply for permission to drive to and from work and school. Dylan notes that at least Brandon didn't kill anyone, and Brandon sighs that he guesses he should look on the bright side. Dylan: "Or the dark side." God, it must have been fun to write for Dylan. What a cliche. Brandon sniffs, "Most people don't think I even have one." But Dylan knows that everybody has one: "You just hide it better than most." "D'you ever spend the night in jail?" asks Brandon. "That is one pleasure I have managed to avoid," says Dylan. "Twenty minutes in a cell by yourself feels like 20 years," brays Brandon, because even though he's upset, Jason Priestley isn't a good enough actor to portray an intense emotion other than impotent teenage rage, so he totally comes off like Dylan turned him in or something. Also, you were only IN the drunk tank for 20 minutes. Also, how would you know what 20 years feels like? You are 16! "Scary, huh," says Dylan. "No, scary was when I hit that truck." He says that Jim and Cindy are being cool: "But it's like there's still this big cloud looming over my house with this huge neon sign flashing 'DISAPPOINTMENT.'" A cloud...that's presumably dark...with a neon sign in it? Aren't you supposed to be a writer? What? Dylan: "I know that cloud." Well, I guess he does paint a word picture. Brandon wants to know, Why does everything he does affect his parents so much? It's his life, right? "I feel like going out right now and getting drunk just to show 'em I can do what I want." Dylan: "I know just the place."

WBH?! Brandon says that he sees enough of this place during the day. But then they get to a classroom where an Alateen meeting is underway. Katie is an alcoholic. Some other kid is an alcoholic. HOLY CRAP DYLAN IS AN ALCOHOLIC! I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!

Then Dylan drives Brandon home. Brandon: "I never knew so many kids had a problem. WHich is basically what you're trying to tell me, right?" It's like Dylan said: "I've been there." He has been everywhere, you guys.

In the living room, Jim is reading Cindy's prop book when Brandon enters. They agree that they should talk, so Brandon goes first, coming clean that the party wasn't actually the occasion of his first drink. Jim figured as much. How did he know? "Believe it or not, I was your age once too." "And you lived to tell about it?" "So will you." Ugh. It's true, he will.