FINALLY, Brenda and Dylan get together! I've been so bored! (Not really. But the show gets so much better from here, now that it's figured out that it should concentrate on hormonal teens and avoid "issues.")

We open Chez Walsh. Brenda walks across the lawn to the driveway, where Brandon is working on Mondale. Brenda starts the episode off in her typical way (bitching), bitching that winter hasn't arrived yet, because she needs a season to sulk and be depressed in. (If future evidence is anything to go by: no, she actually doesn't.) Brandon guesses that she's facing a night of babysitting and couldn't find a copy of "Dirty Dancing" at the video store. You guys, remember when you had to keep renting and re-renting your favorite movies because buying a VHS tape was like $100? How did we live? Anyway, Brandon is totally right about the cause of Brenda's (current) bad mood, as she confirms that she had to go to three different video stores. You guys, remember when there were so many video stores that there might be three within walking distance of your house? ANYWAY, Brandon says that Brenda must have "Dirty Dancing" memorized by now. "Whatever gets you through the night," says Brenda. "Isn't that what you always say?" And then the camera cuts down to the ground so that we can watch Dylan roll out from under Mondale on a dolly. Apparently, from this perspective on Brenda, even though he's never really noticed her before, suddenly, he likes what he sees.

Brenda and Dylan eye-flirt for a while, as Brandon watches suspiciously.

The spell is broken when Cindy comes out the kitchen door to call for Brenda: her babysitting job is off. How EVER will Brenda occupy her night?

Brenda goes up to her room to call Kelly, telling her she's now available to go out on a blind date with some random goof Kelly had wanted to set her up with. However, Brenda's off the hook: Kelly already pawned the guy off on Donna, who's having lots of offscreen adventures in this episode to make up for getting zero lines. As she chats, Brenda wanders over to her balcony (?) to ogle Dylan. Somehow, he can sense her, and turns around to give her this look of pained longing and make millions of teenaged girls across North America fall in love with him.

Back to the driveway. Jim emerges to be rude to Dylan in general, and then specifically about his Porsche (confirming that, no, Dylan didn't actually buy it with money from his paper route). Dylan asks if he might take a shower to wash off all the grime from Brandon's stupid car, and Jim gets all judgy about whether Dylan takes out "this thing" (the tiny earring in his left ear -- is that the ear that means he's gay?!) to bathe. "Depends on the circumstances, sir," glibs Dylan. Jim is weirded out. Dylan grins. That has to be the best thing about being rich: not giving a crap what the Jim Walshes of the world think of you.

Upstairs, Brenda bursts into her room, loudly complaining to Brandon for leaving the bathroom door open during his shower. But it's not Brandon in there!

Brenda gets all flustered at the sight of what is probably her first naked male chest (other than at Lake Minnetonka, of course), but manages to make it around the corner and chirp, "You keep popping up on me today!" Dylan somehow manages to inject pretension into the observation that Brenda likes "video...tape," and Brenda agrees that she likes movies. Dylan asks whether she's ever seen "Animal Crackers": "You know, Marx Brothers?" Brenda obviously hasn't hung around enough movie snobs to lie that she's seen it a thousand times and avoid getting dragged to it, and hedges that she thinks she may have seen it, on the big screen. Dylan announces that it's better on the big screen, of course, and says it's too bad she's babysitting tonight. She shyly tells him that her job was actually cancelled. Dylan casually asks, "Wanna come along?" "Yeah," Brenda faux-casually accepts.

And then we're looking at a cinema marquee promising a "MARX BROS FILM FESTIVAL," a.k.a. Tara Repellent. Dylan, Brenda, and Brandon are dealing with their movie snacks when some chippie shows up and starts flirting with Dylan. Once she's wandered off, Brandon asks, "Friend o' yours?" (I don't know.) Dylan says that he would have introduced them, but that he forgot her name. "Nice," sniffs Brenda. Dylan explains that the girl keeps changing her name to things like Tonya or Blue, because her real name is something like Gertrude or Beatrice "OR BRENDA." Our Brenda jabs him with her straw and stomps off. Dylan tells Brandon that Brenda has a mean right hook. Brandon: "Who do you think she practices on?" Hey, remember a few episodes ago when they kept drawing parallels between Brenda and Brandon's relationship, and Jim and Cindy's? Get ready to see that again, except with Brandon trying to insert himself in Dylan's place, creepily.

Later, they're at Dylan's (and not the suite, for unexplained reasons), listening to his fancy stereo. And in case you missed it at the movie theatre, we get another glimpse of the jammies Dylan's been wearing around as though they were clothes, which they are not.

Brenda has quickly learned the sorts of things you need to say in order to pass with a pretentious person: "This sound system is incredible -- it's like it's alive!" Dylan appreciatively agrees that you don't just hear the music, you feel it. Someone shows up at the door and Dylan goes to get it, giving Brenda the opportunity to thank Brandon for letting her come to the movie, and then giving Brandon and Dylan the opportunity to engage in some tiresome banter about letting her join them again. Dylan hands out the food, and Brandon notes that the fries taste just like the ones at the hotel. Dylan explains that they ARE from the hotel: since his dad closed the suite, some "Henry" sends food over to Dylan. What's the deal with the suite? A long story, according to Dylan. There's extended dumb business about Brenda choosing the next CD...

...and then we're at school, thank God. Brenda's apparently just debriefed Kelly on her night at the terrible old boring movie, and stressing that it wasn't a date (uh, since your brother was there, I should hope not). But Kelly says that Dylan doesn't waste his time: "He's known as a man of action." Brenda says that she's not Dylan's type (even though we learned that's not true several episodes ago), and Kelly says that they can work on that. Brenda exposits that they should work on getting her out of health class, but Kelly says that everyone has to take it to graduate. Kelly asks whether they've gotten to Sex Ed yet, and Brenda says that it's in two weeks, which totally does not scan with the rest of the timeline for this episode, but ANYWAY, Steve hurries past them just then; of course, he's in Brenda's class and somehow thinks he's going to speed up the arrival of the sex lessons, I guess, even though...are we supposed to think he didn't sleep with Kelly when they were together? ANYWAY, the girls joke that Steve's worked his way through the West Beverly freshman girls and has moved on to the sophomores. Gross.

In health class, Scott and David kibitz about taking the class with girls. Scott is already embarrassed about having to learn about sex with girls around, but David seems to have somehow gotten the impression that talking about sex when there are guys present gets girls all hot and bothered. (For the record: not if those guys are David and Scott.) The teacher, Mr. Kravitz, enters and gives some papers to Scott and David to hand out. David asks if they're having a quiz, but no: it's a consent form the students' parents have to sign before the kids can attend the upcoming Sex Ed assembly. Steve asks Brenda whether she's ever noticed how Mr. Kravitz strokes his beard whenever the subject of sex comes up. And it's true!

SUPERGROSS.

Chez Walsh. Suddenly, Brandon as a convenient contrivance...I mean, "a cold." There's a honk outside, and Brenda takes off. Jim is shocked that Brenda's going out alone with Dylan. Cindy doesn't care, and wants to know what Jim's problem is. Apparently, Dylan's dad is a crook. Cindy doesn't see what that has to do with Dylan. Jim is not swayed from his prejudice by logic.

The MARX BROTHERS FILM FESTIVAL continues, believe it or not. Standing out by the ticket booth, Dylan is showing off his amazing knowledge of human nature (apparently) by giving assessments on other couples. For instance: "That's a pickup if I ever saw one....Body language. He's available, she's open to suggestion." Brenda, I don't know how much credit I would give to the judgments of a person who would go out in public wearing an acid-washed duster. OH, YOU THINK I MADE THAT UP?

But of course, this is happening in the past and Brenda can't hear me -- or so I must surmise from her answer: "You know a lot about this stuff...you know, people, couples. Stuff." "Don't you?" smugs Dylan. "I don't know," says Brenda. "Not really." Somehow, Dylan takes this as a cue that they should "shine on this movie." Good idea for any reason, really. Brenda asks what Dylan had in mind.

Back they go to Dylan's bachelor pad, only it's already occupied. The angry dude on the phone turns out to be Dylan's dad, Jack McKay (the original one, not Josh Taylor), and there are several other old white dudes in suits hanging out in the living room, not listening to the stereo we've already established is amazing. Original Jack grabs Dylan's arm and pulls him away. Offscreen, they have a brief screaming fight that we can barely hear, after which Dylan stomps straight to a liquor bottle. "You don't drink, do you?" asks Brenda nervously. "Only at family reunions," says Dylan. Brenda reminds him that he's driving her home that night, but Dylan doesn't want to discuss it; he wants to get out of there.

I guess the McKays are living in a condo now, or something? There's a lobby that Brenda and Dylan rush through, and a doorman that they rush past, as Brenda anxiously suggests, "Do you want to take a walk on the beach or something?" "Oh yeah, check out the homeless people, that'd be GREAT," snaps Dylan. Brenda squeaks, "Dylan, I don't know what happened up there--" "That's RIGHT, you DON'T," yells Dylan. "If you'd let me finish--" attempts Brenda. Dylan: "Excuse me, I have a knack for interrupting things." "Dylan..." "I'm REAL good at interrupting, and I've had just about enough NOISE for one night, okay?" Brenda gives up, and asks the passing doorman to hail her a cab, but Dylan belays that order, saying that he'll drive her home. Brenda says she doesn't want to go home with him, and starts walking away from him more quickly, but her legs are short and stumpy, and Dylan is propelled by rage, exhorting him, "Come on, dammit!" "STOP YELLING AT ME!" shrieks Brenda.

And Dylan is so enraged that all he can do is pick up a flower pot and smash it on the ground!

And then Brenda has no choice but to take off running!

But he can't let her get away!

Dylan tells Brenda he's sorry. Sobbing, she says that he's scaring her. Luke Perry tries his best to cry, but doesn't quite get there as he breathes, "He just GETS to me." ...That's it? And then, there is kissing.

And that's how the greatest and most explosive doomed pop-cultural love affair since Heathcliff and Cathy began.

In a nice nod to Brenda's favorite movie, an instrumental version of "She's Like the Wind" plays as Dylan's Porsche pulls up in front of the Walsh house. Dylan is giving Brenda some more of his backstory with Jack: apparently, Jack kicked Dylan out, at some point, and they didn't talk for a year. Their relationship is better now, but it's still no picnic. Brenda says she can't imagine what that's like; she tells her parents everything. Dylan gives her a big eyebrow as he asks, "...Everything?" Well, not everything. Dylan asks Brenda not to tell Brandon that Dylan "lost [his] cool," and Brenda gravely says, "I won't. I woon't." (Shannen Doherty can't pronounce "wouldn't," you see.) They kiss again, and then Dylan asks whether Brenda's sorry that they missed the movie. "Oh, yeah," she jokes, because no one's ever sorry about missing a Marx Brothers movie.

WBH. Brenda is once again talking to Kelly, once again playing off whatever's going on between herself and Dylan, once again having a Mom Jeans-Off with Kelly...

...but Kelly is not convinced by Brenda's description of their relationship, saying that if Brenda and Dylan went on a date and he asked her on another, that's "day-ting." Brenda asks what happens next: "Do I get pinned or something?" "Yeah. Preferably to the mattress," Kelly Samantha Joneses. Brenda's half-shocked, half-amused. Kelly says it's good that Brenda's coming over that night: they have work to do.

Health. Mrs. Scanlon isn't letting Scott attend the Sex Ed assembly: "She thinks I'll be getting the wrong kind of message at school." David: "Well, what kind of message are you getting at home? Your mom has six kids." Good point. As he asks for everyone's consent forms, Mr. K works his beard. "Penny for your thoughts?"asks Steve on his way out the door. Haha, their teacher's a pervert.

Dylan and Brandon meet up in the hall. Brandon's feeling better, and asks how the movie was. Dylan shrugs that he and Brenda didn't make it. Brandon is suspicious! Brenda appears and gives Dylan a kiss, making Brandon suspicious-er! Why didn't she tell Brandon about the movie? "What movie?" asks Brenda innocently. Dylan leans in and whispers intimately in Brenda's ear.

Brenda: "It's no big deal, is it?" Okay, WHOM IS BRANDON JEALOUS OF RIGHT NOW?

Chez Walsh. Over dinner, Cindy raves about some spa friends of theirs went to, ending up "potatoed." Jim: "Baked?" Er, no. Brenda says that Cindy and Jim should check this place out -- Brandon will be working that weekend, and Brenda has plans. Jim wants to know what plans. Brenda says she's going to "a movie or something." With whom? Brenda: "Dylan." Brandon, who's been turned against Dylan after the events of the last scene, makes this judgy, smug face...

...and somehow doesn't get punched. "Is there a problem?" asks Brenda. "I really don't want you getting involved with him, Brenda," says Jim. She wants to know what that means. "I don't want you dating him, period," says Jim. "Jump in any time, Brandon," snaps Brenda. "He has nothing to say about this," says Jim sharply. Brenda grits, "I'll make plans with Kelly instead. Thanks for dinner. It's been real." Ah, Super-Bitchy Brenda. I was so looking forward to your arrival. There's an awkward silence in Brenda's wake, which Jim fills by defensively saying, "I have a right to my opinion." Cindy says she has a right to hers too: she likes Dylan. She also stomps off, whereupon Jim turns to Brandon. Even though he had nothing to say about this before, now it's time for Jim to involve him in this drama: "Tell your friend to watch his step." "Dad, I can't do that!" brays Brandon. "Yes, you can. Unless you want me to." What? Are Jim and Dylan going to have a fist fight?

Brenda's lying on her bed when Cindy comes up with a plate -- and, ironically, the consent form for the Sex Ed assembly. "Is this course as outmoded as it was when I was in school?" asks Cindy. Brenda coldly says that they haven't gotten to the sex chapter yet. Cindy comments that the textbook looks "pretty thorough," but Brenda, with a thousand-yard stare, replies, "It doesn't deal with the most important stuff....Like how it feels, in your heart, when you really want to connect with someone." I can't really convey how much Doherty is treating this scene like a shoo-in for her Emmy reel, but maybe this screen shot can.

"When it's the right time, the right person, it feels wonderful," says Cindy. (Ew.) "And you don't think Dylan's the right person either?" guesses Brenda. Cindy talks about mutual respect and commitment: "If that connection is meaningful, it doesn't have to be about sex." Brenda, who's decided to lighten up on the attitude, cracks, "I hate to break this to you, Mom, but it definitely has something to do with it." There's a honk outside, and Brenda heads off to Kelly's.

Brandon's in the foyer when Brenda passes through. "Why didn't you stick up for me?" she demands. "What was I supposed to say -- he's a boy scout?" Brandon shoots back. Dude, you've known him ten minutes. Shut up.

At Kelly's, very little studying is taking place. Instead, Brenda rants while Kelly flips through a magazine. Brenda claims that there's a conspiracy afoot to separate her from the one good thing that's happened to her since moving to California, but Kelly calmly says that's why Brenda's going to SAY she's sleeping over at Kelly's that weekend, but will really be at Dylan's. Brenda's not so sure: "I guess I'm more into the romance thing, like in the movies." Practical Kelly says that romance is fine, but does Brenda have protection? Oh, of course she doesn't. Kelly tells her to open the drawer in her nightstand, and Brenda hands her a very elegant little box, which turns out to be full of condoms. Kelly tells Brenda Rule #1: "Never rely on the guy." "You sound so clinical," says Brenda. Kelly: "Dear, clinical is 'What time do we schedule the procedure?'" Good point. Brenda, of course, says that's awful, but Kelly asks if Brenda would rather find herself thinking up baby names. "This is not the part I want to think about," says Brenda idiotically. Kelly: "Brenda, if things go well, you won't be thinking at all." Brenda is scared, but excited.

WBH. On the lawn, Dylan and Brenda wrestle in a fairly chaste fashion...

...while Brandon looks on disapprovingly. Lonely, are we?

Health class. Mr. K. exposits that it's Friday. (Again?) If the students don't bring in their consent forms, they won't get to go to the big Sex Ed assembly they've been teasing us about all damn episode. There will be a special guest speaker, Stacey Sloane, to "address the student body." "'UNDRESS the student body'?" leers Steve, imbecilic as ever. Scott still hasn't brought in a signed permission slip, which is probably why he would have fathered six kids out of wedlock by his graduation if not for...well, you know.

Out in the hall, Brandon catches up with a hurrying Dylan, and brays an insincere request that Dylan help him with his car that weekend. Dylan begs off, due to issues with his dad. But he does have time to make out with Brenda, Brandon accuses -- that is, until next month, when he won't have time for her either. Dylan is curious as to Brandon's point -- you know, beyond the usual chauvinist posturing and prying, which looks something like this.

Brandon: "My point is, you better really like her. She's very romantic and dreamy and sweet, and she's not going to move on that easily. Dylan, she's a virgin!" Hey, way to put Brenda's business on shout. Literally. Dylan: "What kind of jerk do you think I am?" Brandon doesn't get a chance to guess what kind before Dylan stomps away.

Chez Walsh. We get a slightly sped-up musical montage of Kelly and Donna helping Brenda pick out her ensemble for her big sexy date with Dylan. Brandon comes into the bathroom toward the end to loiter around looking disapproving, but all three girls (awesomely) ignore him.

MARX BROTHERS FILM FESTIVAL. Seriously, it's still going on? By the ticket booth, Brenda waits for Dylan. And waits. And waits the entire length of the movie, apparently, because as all the bored moviegoers are filing out, she's still standing there, arms crossed and crying.

At least she didn't have to see the movie.

Chez Walsh, the morning after. Brenda has chosen the window seat in her bedroom as the optimal location for her soulful crying. Brandon enters, asking if she wants to talk. Brenda says that she talked to Kelly all night, and that it didn't help. Brandon offers to take the morning shift, which Brenda eagerly takes him up on: "He didn't show up, Brandon! I was ready to spend the night with him, and he didn't show up! What a jerk, huh." Brandon chooses not to lay into her (as it were) for her sex plans -- possibly because they were thwarted -- and just says, "He sure can be." "Not him, me!" sobs Brenda. "I thought I was special!" Brandon says she is. "Well, not to him, obviously," Brenda pouts. She says that she called Dylan's, and that someone said he was there but didn't want to talk to her. Brandon advises her not to get hung up on someone like Dylan. He thought Dylan was a good guy, but has since decided that Dylan doesn't "let people in." Okay, again: whom is he jealous of, here? Anyway, Brenda says that she and Dylan were "together," they were "in sync!" She doesn't know what happened. Brandon doesn't admit his part in this whole affair, leaving Brenda to squeak that she needs to "find out what [she] did wrong."

So since his last attempt to confront Dylan over his relationship with Brenda was so successful, Brandon decides to try again -- this time in the computer lab, for a change of scenery.

We learn that Dylan has moved out of this condo (or whatever), without leaving a forwarding address. Dylan, wanting no part of this, says that it's a long story. Brandon: "Would you rather tell it to Brenda?" Dylan reminds Brandon that he made it very clear he didn't want Dylan to hurt Brenda. Brandon asks why, then, that's exactly what he did. Dylan claims that his behavior has nothing to do with either of the Walshes (which, in the annals of this show, seems unlikely). Brandon says that Dylan can blow Brandon off all he wants: "I'm not going to cry about it." Well, that remains to be seen. But, he adds, Brenda was so upset all weekend that she didn't come to school today. Dylan has no comment (not even that maybe Cindy should have told Brenda to suck it up and quit being a baby over a guy she went out with once). Brandon gets bitterly sarcastic: "It's got nothing to do with her, it's got nothing to do with me. Meanwhile, you're not talking to either one of us. Makes a whole lot of sense." He stomps away before Dylan can tell him that this pissy display is precisely why Dylan doesn't "let people in."

Out in the parking lot, Mr. K's car is busted, and he's supposed to pick up Stacey Sloane in twenty minutes! Steve volunteers to get her and drop her at her hotel (the BelAge, of course!), adding, "You'll owe me." Thank God, this does not make Mr. K stroke his beard.

At the hotel, Steve has gotten himself into Stacey's room with her by, apparently, passing himself off as Mr. K. She runs down her schedule for the next day, and when Steve comments on how busy it sounds, she alludes to having a fair amount of energy lately so that we can all access our prior knowledge of TV and fill in that she has a disease of some kind. Fortunately, if she really gets exhausted, she can always just tilt her head to the side and take a nap on one of her shoulder pads.

Steve asks her out for that night, but she begs off, saying she's tired. How polite of her.

Chez Walsh. Brenda is moping on the couch when Dylan shows up. She crabbily lets him in, and does her best not to look at him as he offers, "I'm not very good at this. I feel terrible." "You look terrible," she spits. "You look great," Dylan ass-kisses. "You must need glasses," Brenda glares. Finally, Dylan says he's sorry. Brenda fills in the rest of his expected speech: "I know. You're an idiot. That's not good enough this time." Dylan says he doesn't know what to say. He had to move; his dad needed to disappear. He doesn't even know where Jack went, so that if he's subpoenaed, he won't be able to answer. It seems that Jack is about to be indicted for securities fraud. Brenda doesn't really have any response to that, so she just says she wishes Dylan had called. He says he couldn't. She tells him that she called him, but of course, he didn't get the message; I guess one of his dad's Stans didn't pass it along. Anyway, knowing that, now Brenda feels terrible. Dylan doesn't want her to feel bad anymore. What does he want her to feel? By way of answer, there is kissing. And then Dylan tells Brenda, "You are so warm." Uh...is that supposed to be sexy talk? Whatever, apparently it works, because they start making out on the couch -- but their bliss is short-lived. They hear a noise outside, which obviously is Jim, arrived home from work. They scramble to get Dylan out the kitchen door (even though Jim would obviously see Dylan's car out front)...

...but, of course, Jim comes in the kitchen door. Brenda and Dylan nervously take their leave of each other, Brenda awkwardly telling Dylan that she'll let Brandon know he came by. Once the door has closed behind him, Jim curtly asks what kind of idiot they take him for. Brenda dodges that direct question by asking why he's so mad, so he hands her his paper, which apparently features a report about Jack McKay; he hasn't been arrested yet, but he will be: "Some role model." Brenda says that Dylan's nothing like his father (which, since she hasn't even been introduced to Jack, I'm not sure how she can know), but Jim still thinks Brenda deserves someone better. "Like who?" Brenda wants to know. "Someone straighter [?], younger [they're in the same grade], quieter?" "For starters," sniffs Jim. "Those 'nice boys' may be mid-mannered on the outside, but mostly what they all think about is sex!" shrieks Brenda. "Who said anything about sex?" sputters Jim. "I'm talking about a person's values. I'm talking about their character." "Are you really worried about my character?" Brenda demands. "Why is it with Brandon you just wanted to make sure he knew about birth control, but my whole value system is on the line?" Remember I told you this would come up? Oh Jim, you hypocrite. And God bless Brenda for calling him on it and making this face at him.

Brenda starts to stomp off, but Jim grabs her by the arm and impotently offers, "Brenda, it is different with girls! It just is." She needs to know whom she's dealing with, he insists, and she shoots back that getting to know Dylan is all she wants to do. "That's all?" Jim challenges. "What do you want me to say?" Brenda asks. "That I'm going to wait 'til I get married?" Jim sighs. "You're so worried and I haven't even done anything yet," she breathes. He says he's not worried; he just doesn't know if he's ready...if she's ready.... "And if I'm ready first?" Brenda asks. "Then what? Should I lie and sneak around? Or are you going to trust me to know what I'm doing?" Of course, Jim has no response to this, because his position is crap.

Anyway, I guess Brenda has settled down, because we're at school, listening to David on the PA telling everyone it's the end of Health Expo Week, and the day of the sex assembly. Brenda has just finished telling Kelly the story of her fight with Jim, which...okay, so Dylan stood up Brenda on a Friday, and then she stayed home on Monday -- also the day that Steve went to fetch Stacey Sloane at the airport, when she said she was speaking at West Beverly the next day --  but then this is the END of Health Expo Week, so I guess Brenda just sat on this story for four days? COME ON, SHOW. Kelly can't believe Brenda talked to Jim like that (four days ago). Brenda says that he didn't exactly give Dylan and Brenda his blessing, but at least Dylan's not fully off-limits anymore.

Elsewhere in the hall, Scott is unwilling to sneak into the assembly. "Your mom really has you cowed," David complains. That's not the animal I would have compared him to.

And then, it's the assembly. Brandon is too cool to sit down while he learns about sex, so he's standing at the back of the auditorium when Dylan comes in and finds him, offering to help him fix his car that weekend. Brandon stares straight ahead, douchily, as he says he can handle it. "Somehow, I am always apologizing to you Walsh people," sighs Dylan. It hardly seems worth it, right? But then he goes on to say, "I'm sorry if it felt like I checked out on you, man." "I guess it bothered me more than I thought," says Brandon. Yet once again, I have to ask whom he's really jealous of, here. And maybe the director could have told them both to play this moment a little less gay.

"I'm sorry I opened my big mouth about Brenda," says Brandon. Dylan asks whether Brandon would have felt better about the situation if Dylan had asked Brandon first before he asked Brenda out. Brandon asks if that means Dylan's saying he should have. But no, Dylan won't even say he HYPOTHETICALLY would have done anything different. Then why ask? These two are dumb.

So enter Stacey. We see but don't hear as she points out Steve to Mr. K, obviously telling him about Steve's misrepresentation. High jinks!

David also wanders over to the door, the better to let Scott in if he decides not to be a big wuss after all.

Stacey steps onto the stage, and Andrea introduces her. "Not bad, huh?" brags Steve to Dylan and Brandon. "BelAge Hotel, room 316." Classy. Stacey tells a story about an experience she just had, which we think is about Steve asking her out until she says, "It was a shame, too. He was very handsome." What she didn't tell this dude, whoever he was, is that she has AIDS. Awkward. Hey, wait a second! They flew her in from Chicago for this? And put her up in a hotel for four nights besides? They couldn't find ONE PERSON in the greater Los Angeles area who had AIDS and also enough poise to tell a crowd of high school students about it? I call BS. Anyway, of course it's in the moment after this announcement that stupid Scott bursts in, all "What'd I miss?" 

Shut up, Scott. Anyway, you will be relieved to learn that, according to Stacey, you can't get AIDS from hugging an infected person or sharing her friench fries. Stacey herself got it at age 16 (!) from her boyfriend, A LAW STUDENT (!!!). Oh, and her first time having sex was also the time she got AIDS. Ouch. Amazingly, the love connection between a 16-year-old girl and a dude who was 22, minimum, didn't last. "He died last year." Pause. "OF AIDS." Yeah, I think we could have filled that in on our own, Stace. She lets that sink in, and thengoes on to say that it's funny how your battles change. She used to work on staying fashionably slim, and now she's lucky some days if she can keep anything down. She and her sister used to fight over who got to stay up later, and now her sister's always on her case about making sure she gets enough rest. She tries not to "dwell on the grim statistics -- and they are indeed grim." She's a fighter and a talker, and will keep telling kids they shouldn't have sex because of what their friends think or because they drink too much one night. If you're in love and going to have sex, "make sure you use a condom and foam." Any foam? Like the kind Marcel used to put on everything? According to Stacey, the only really safe way to have intercourse is with someone you're sure hasn't been exposed to HIV. CLOSE-UP ON BRENDA. CLOSE-UP ON DYLAN. I hope you get it! "I'll be around later for questions, but that's about all I can do for right now," Stacey concludes. Okay, THEY FLEW HER IN FROM CHICAGO for a three-minute speech? I want her agent.

Steve walks up to the front. Stacey says she's sorry if she got him in trouble with Mr. K. Steve says he can do that on his own, and says he's sorry for...you know, her AIDS and everything. She asks whether he got her point, and he gravely says he did, adding that his offer for dinner still stands, the next time she can scam another L.A. school into flying her in for a minuscule speechlet. They hug. That's right: Steve hugged an AIDS lady! Can he get AIDS that way? I already forget!

Chez Walsh. Cindy gets the door for Dylan, who's in a self-consciously dorky meet-the-parents outfit. Seriously, I think he's in rugger pants.

Cindy goes to get Brenda, leaving Jim and Dylan alone together. Jim decides not to be a jerk, for once, and asks how Dylan's holding up. Dylan says that he doesn't talk to the press, and very seriously adds, "I've never been comfortable being known as Jack McKay's son, particularly since I hardly know the man." Jim says that it's a shame it has to be that way. Dylan very graciously says that Brenda and Brandon are lucky to have parents like Jim and Cindy, and then Brenda bounces down in...I mean, it is almost certainly a snap-crotch bodysuit, right?

Jim manages to restrain himself and tell them only to "take good care." Off they go.

Dylan has brought Brenda up to some location in the Hills to look down on the city as the instrumental "She's Like the Wind" seduces us again. There is kissing, but the nice moment doesn't last, because Brenda has to ask Dylan something: "Don't get mad, okay?" "I never get mad," he jokes. HA HA, because he's actually possibly an unstable head case! Anyway, the question: "Have you ever had sex when you weren't protected?" "Not lately." Bad answer, dude. "Did you ever?" Brenda presses. "...Yeah," says Dylan. "Are you worried about that?" Aren't you? Brenda barrels ahead: "Well, I'm assuming that you want to with me. Am I totally blowing this? Am I thinking too much?" "Brenda, I love it that you think." HAHAHA! Well, I'm sure that's a big relief to her! Dylan: So what do you say -- do you want me to get a test?" What a prince! "You would do that for me?" Brenda marvels. "I guess I'd be doing it for me," Dylan replies. There is a moment of INTENSITY...

...and then Brenda announces that she needs this to slow down: "I'm scared." "Of me?" asks Dylan. Brenda explains, "I'm not used to these feelings, and I wanna be sure, and I'm afraid you'll say no." "I didn't say no," Dylan reminds her. "You didn't?" "No. I didn't." "You didn't." If we could see the thought bubble over Dylan's head, it would contain his mathematical calculation of how long he has to stay with Brenda in order to satisfy Brandon's sense of justice before ditching her for someone more low-maintenance. Trust me.